When We Are Old and Grey

When We Are Old and Grey

During the past few days, I got a chance to do a lot of reflecting, visualizing, imagining and soul searching. In the process, there were a lot of thoughts that came in to me. Some were thoughts that have always been there while some are new discoveries and some are thoughts of hope... hope for what I envision my life to be like.

In these thoughts, there were 3 things that were consistently present... and all these 3 things were always close together-- Me, my Nutbrown and Love.

In all these thoughts, there was never a time when she wasnt with me. There were never thoughts wherein she wasnt a part of it. She's always a part of my hopes and dreams just as much as I was a part of them. And in all those, it is love that
we felt and took us from one dream to another. My thoughts of love were those of the sense where the imperfections were the ones that made everything perfect for us. It wouldve been very unrealistic if all the thoughts I had were just of flowers, rainbows and unicorns. There were series of thoughts when we saw each other thru trials the same way that there were thoughts where empty hallways resounded with our laughter while we walked holding each other's hands tight. Some thoughts were of us taking care of each other at our weakest moments. There were also flashbacks of our virtual dates. One of which, I clearly remember. She took me on a carriage ride and showed me around Montreal. She asked me to close my eyes and as soon as I opened them, I found ourselves in a very beautiful church. I remember clearly how the very first tear on a date felt like. And how it was followed by more... It was the best date ever. Those tears were accompanied by smiles and beams on my face that I wish she had seen at that very moment. In the movie "City of Angels" there was a part where Nicholas Cage, the angel, asked Meg Ryan, who was a doctor why people cry. Her response was that sometimes, when our bodies are filled with so much emotions that it can no longer contain, that when we start to cry. At that moment, I knew that theory may be true. My heart was so full of bliss from my presence with her and at the same time my longing for her, and these emotions, I believe manifested into tears.

Just like all couples, we have our dates. Each very special in its own way. The other day we had our 3h date after a long time. I love how she always surprises me with impecable timing. I always tell her how I wish I can bottle up or frame every moment I have with her. But the more I internalize things, I realized that I think how we have it now beats all bottles and frames... My heart, mind and spirit and is consumed by thoughts of her... thoughts of me with her... thoughts of us together. I realize that when I have all these built-in within me, its way more realiable and lasts much longer than any bottles or frames. It's just like my heart and mind knows nothing else but to love her and think of her. And each thought of her, I absolutely love and adore.

If I were to illustrate the amount of thoughts I have of her in a day, the night sky with the moon and stars will not be enough. I always have infinite thoughts about the times I have with her whether these times are holidays, special occassions, or just regular days of the week. Afterall, she has a very special way of making ordinary days extra-ordinarily memorable. I look forward to a lifetime of these days with her as well as a lifetime of dates.

And when we are old and grey, while we have our Nutbrown dates, I know whether it would be hallways, churches or gardens, wherever it may be, it will still be resounding with our laughter while we walk together holding hands... with our canes on the other hand.


Cheers!!

~joyous =0)

Nutbrown: Good Love, Good Life

Nutbrown: Good Love, Good Life

I've always believed that in my life, things will not always be so ordinary. I don't know what it was and honestly, I know I cannot point a finger at what the indications were but somehow, I knew something extra ordinarily good will come to me. Whenever my family and I went to pilgrimage trips, I never prayed for a specific person to come into my life. I never really have a list of preference. I've heard from my parents and grandparents that when we pray for something, it would help to be specific. But when it came to love and the person who will be a permanent in my life, I didnt trust myself enough... I knew God knows best and that in His perfect time, my one true love will come along in the most extra-ordinarily special way. The way only God can perfectly craft and bring together.

I've always prayed for God to prepare me for my perfect match everyday not to be perfect but to mold me into what would be perfect for whom He created me for. My prayer was always for God to make me become the person that the the person he has created for me needs, want and love. And to be brought to this person at the time that would be perfect for us both.

February last year, I have received the most amazing surprise from God. He gave me my Nutbrown and I am hers. For more than a year now, a lot has changed. And these changes were primarily brought upon by my love for her. Since I met her, I looked at mornings and nights differently. Every breath I take seems to be deeper in the sense that I know Im living not just for me but for her as well. Each day comes not just becuase of the 24 hour ruling of day and night of the solar system but because each day i live is a day of the rest of my life with her. They say that marriage is a union of 2 people, when 2 people become 1 but I dont think marriage is necessary for this to happen. I think that there comes a point in a relationship where 2 people just blend in together that although they are 2 individuals, the beat of their hearts are to strong and so in-sync that the lives of 2 people mesh into 1 of togetherness.

With her, I've forgotten how to live my life alone. I have forgotten how to exist without her. She has become my world, my life and my everything. And I know it was only in God's grace that I made it this far not having her in my life prior to last year. I believe it was the 30 years of preparation and molding to get us both to the point where we met. People always say that life begnis at 40, but I know mine began when I met her at 29 turning 30. The first moments I've spent with her is still very clear. It was as if, looking back to yesterday. From time to time, we look back and tell each other about our childhood. As happy as it makes me, I never fail to get the sense of "I wish you were there with me then"... that's whats so good about life with her now.. at this age, at this point of life... We allow ourselves to relive everything that was good back then and NOW its even better because those days that we relive, we share together.

In a way, its like having a remote to our lives. It lets us go back to the moments that were special and gives us a chance to re-create this with each other. A lot of times, I feel like im having my 2nd childhood with her. I know its a bit too early for that but with this 2nd childhood, I feel as though I am back to what was good but this time i have her next to me holding my hand. I never knew how sharing these special times with the only person that matter was soo good. I never knew that anyone can actually feel a sensation of elation from reliving the past with that one person you have in your present and the same person you will be spending your future and the everydays of your life with.

I know that not everyday will be made to perfection. There will be good times, tough times. There will always be agreements and disagreements. There will be challenges and there will times when we need to hold on to each other tighter and we will need each other's strengths to get thru some days. But she is right, at the times when the mind forgets, the heart remembers. There's a lot that the heart knows more than the mind. The feeling of how good love is comes from the heart more than it does from the mind. She is my love and my life...everything else are mere details.

Not only has she captured my heart, we have learned to recreate our past together, spend our present together and watch our future unfold in front of our very eyes knowing that no matter what it brings, as long as we have each other, nothing else matters more. She has taught me and showed me what true love means. And with her love, only a life so good follows.

Cheers!!

~joyous =0)

The Other Man: Oscar

The Other Man: Oscar

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, also known as the Acadamy Awards or what is most known for as The Oscars is a yearly event where the brightest stars in Hollywood are recognized by this award giving body. For actors and actresses this is "THE AWARD" to be worn. If its anything, this spells out ACCOMPLISHMENT and SUCCESS in their chosen field - acting, film making, anything that has to do with bringing a story into the silverscreen and for that approximate hour and a half, characters, storylines, settings and periods of time come to life.

I would not consider myself as an avid fan of the Oscars. I dont wait every year for it. But I must admit that it interest me. And whenever I get the chance, I watch the Oscars. Not because of my interest in film making or the arts, but mostly because I watch out for the emotions that are brought upon by this recognition. At one point or another, intentional or unintentional, it is a good source of entertainment, whether it may be brief or from an elborate acts or attempts to entertain.

As far as I can remember, I've always watched the Oscars alone. I've watched the academy winners laugh, cry, go hysterical, deliver the wittiest acceptance speeches and unfortunately, even embarass themselves willingly or unwillingly.

As I watched in the previous years, I laughed, cried and entertained myself watching the show alone. This has just changed as last night, I watched the Oscars with my Nutbrown. As we waiting for the show to begin, we shared different views on the people who are involved in this years show. As we conversed, I noticed that my interest began shifting. more than watching the show, I wanted this moment because I was with her. What I have been used to doing alone, I am now sharing with her. And the feeling is simply amazing!

As we watched each winner go up on stage, accept their award and recognized the people who have been significant to them and who have played a part in their lives that brought them to that stage that evening, I began to wonder. Will I ever get that chance. To go up in front of everyone and declare my gratitude, undying love and devotion to her and just have a shining moment wherein all that I am, and that I have become is an embodiment of what she has been to me. I started watching the different videos of past winners of the Oscars and one thing I noticed is that no one ever missed saying THANK YOU! and even for many, the words I LOVE YOU! has escaped their lips as if they were saying it for the very first time.

It is not the words, but the emotions. These emotions being attempted to be put into audible meaniful words in hopes that they would be a close approximation of what/how they truly feel on their finest moment. I watched the video clip of Penelope Cruz's acceptance speech when she won for the 2009 Best Supporting Actress Award and Sandra Bullock winning Best Actress in 2010 . Both spoke of love and gratitude. And with these their emotions flowed out and almost taking over them. With awards like this, I dont think it has anything to do with luck. It is a craft that is being recognized.

As I reflected with these thoughts, I know in my lifetime the chances of me receiving an award like that and having the chance to deliver an acceptance speech is exponentially slimmer than my chances in winning the lottery. And with this, as
hollywood stars wait for their next award winning project that will bring them closer to the most coveted man in hollywood-- the golden man, known as Oscar, I hold close in my heart my Nutbrown. With love and gratitude, I plan to tell her and show her everyday how I am truly blessed and honored to have her and how every moment of being loved by her is my finest and shining moment. Every emotion I have from her comes from deep within that no one else can ever portray and if ever it were attempted to be captured in film, it would be a movie that would run a lifetime as my love for her has no end, and the scripts are continuously evolving as what is written in the stars, better known as fate and destiny has slowly begun to unfold when I met her.

To the other man, Oscar... who has never failed to make a star shine brighter every year, Thank you! For it is the light of your stars that points me to my True North... My Nutbrown, stellina mia!


Cheers!!

~joyous =0)

Happy Unniversary!!!

Happy Unniversary!!

It has been said by many that 3 is a charm. It just so happened that 2 is my favorite number. And I wasnt going to change that just because I want to be one of those are chosen to be charmed. My favorite number originated from my soccer jersey.

I got in the football team in high school in my 2nd year and the I was the 2nd goal keeper for the team, hence the #2 on my jersey. At the beggining this number was more of a given rather than chosen. But as the number grew on me, I started asking for it everytime I had the chance. And in cases wherein the #2 was already taken, I would take #20. As most people would know, I enjoyed soccer very much and I believe I dedicated a signifant amount of time of my life for it. Although just like any sport, I had to set it aside to be "educated" and set my priorities straight, as too much of soccer, just like any other thing can already be unhealthy and in my case, it became a hindrance to education as it consumed too much of my time, effort and dedication.

Fast forward 15 years later, I am now working.. in a field I may say I never envisioned myself to be in. Although I have always been in the Engineering Club in High School and the last 2 years of college, it was never because I was interested in Engineering. It was more because most of my friends were interested in it and the thought of having activities while hanging out with my friends is what attracted me to be in the Engineering Club the most. A lot of the discussions in the club, I could not related to. Most of the points of interests, I did not understand. Most of the projects, I had no intentions of doing on my own. Now that I am working in a company where engineerin plays a big part of what I do on a day to day basis, I have realized that maybe being in the Engineering Club in high school and college was a break-in for me. I am very fortunate to be in the company as I am because not only do like what I do, the stress level does not make it impossible for me to contain myself, and the company is mindful of their employees needs. I did not realize this until last year, 2010 when I had to go on medical leave to undergo surgery.

I found out about the tumor I had near my heart during the annual physical exam (which is mandatory in the company)and as soon as I got the referal to see a pulmunologist and surgeon, I did. Several tests were taken to make sure we know what needs to be done. During this time, my grandmother has been in and out of the hospital. We refrained from giving her too much details about my condition so she wont have to worry about me while she tries to make herself better. Between me and
her, I know I can pull thru and my condition was a lot better than hers. After a few more frequent visits at the hospital, I finally have my schedule to do the surgery. It will be after Christmas, at the beginning of the year. January 7, 2010.

My grandma passed on at 2am on Christmas day. I guess she decided the party up there was a lot better than the ones we have here. She has always been one who somewhat made sure she got what she wanted. A week after her internment, it was my turn to go to the hospital and have my big day. The surgery was considered to be a major surgery which required at the very least 1 month rest before I can go back to work. As much as I liked the idea of staying home doing nothing and rest from morning til night and when its time for bed, to sleep again, it got a little boring after a while.

During this time, in my weakest moment, I found a friend in someone. Someone who was at her weakest moment too. From small talks, conversations got deeper. And from there, a feeling of fondness has developed. And from that fondness came familiarity. As familiarity grew, she had become my friend. And from that friendship, I knew I had something good going for me. Im not sure if many have felt the feeling of "just knowing". As wierd and strange as my next statement would sound ... I didnt know what I knew... I just knew! Trust me, i find it hard to understand and explain as well, but if/when you get that feeling, thats what it is. Strange, wierd, unusual, but... GOOD! VERY GOOD!UNEXPLAINABLY GOOD!

It was that kind of good that made me feel safe, secure, loved, understood, protected, trusted, blessed. The kind of good that made me look back on everything I did in my life and gave me the assurance that whatever it was that had been said,
done, unsaid, undone, it was those that lead me to where I am now. It was those that brought be to a point in my life where it changed everything. A point in my life where it ended life as I knew it and began life living it. One soul, one heart, one human being... thats all it took! And when that ONE came along, my life is never the same.

February 22 - 2/22: 15 years ago, I did not think I was a charmed one. Little did I know, that this number will be my charm on the year 2010. It was on this day when I knew I had someone I can never do without. Someone who will remain in my life for the rest of my life. As the seconds turn to minutes, hours, days, weeks, months... we were coming to a year. A few weeks before February 22, 2011, the excitement is growing in us. What to do? What to eat? Where to be? How to go about the day? We wanted this day to be perfect. I've never celebrated an anniversary with anyone before. As I've never commited myself to anyone enough to have an anniversary with any of them. But when I found the ONE, the 2's played their part and made it a very special day for us.

We looked back to every holiday, every special moment, how it all began, where we are now, every smile, every emotion, and how quick one year has gone by so fast. As we waited with excitement and anticipation, our special day is coming. It is never easy to be in a long distance relationship and whoever argues with this better have tangeable proof to prove otherwise. If not, then I guess I can easily qualify them to the following pre-dispositions: 1) they are not telling the truth, 2) they are emotionally crippled or dismembered, 3) they are not completely in touch with the truths of their reality, 4) they are not in the relationship as they think they are, 5) only 1 out of the 2 people in the relationship is truly in it, 6) they have a distorted definition of the word "relationship" 7) they are spacially, metrically and geographically incapable of determining units of measurement 8) they are in a relationship with themselves rather than with another individual 9) they are NOT NORMAL 10) they are beyond any category I can think of.

I say that long distance relationship is not easy because it really isnt. There was never a moment when I didnt wish for her to be next to me. Never a moment when I am not consumed by every thoughts of her. Never a moment when I thought I could last a day without her. Never a moment when my heart did not yearn to rest on hers. Never a time when my hands did not want to get as close to her as they could. I miss her each moment we are apart. I wake up every morning in anticiaption of seeing her, hearing her voice and being with her. And I sleep at night in hopes that she will meet me in my dreams and at in through that, we have our sweet escape that for that period of time, it is endless. I found my lips thanking God multiple times during the day for the simple yet most important fact in my life that I have her and she has me. For every emotions that mt heart and body feels, it is becuase she is within me.. in every inch, in every vein, in every breathe. The sky is clearer, the sun shines brighter, the rain sounds more distinct, the wind blows stronger, the moon more luminous, and the stars closer and shinnier. All these, I see differently becuase of her.

As it has been said many times before, there is balance in nature. Whenever and wherever there will be something missing,it is compensated through another. As distance may be our greatest foe, I am very lucky to somewhat have time on our side. With my line of work, I am able to work during her hours, hence we hardly feel the time difference. Oppose to time and distance being a tandem of misery, distance is our primary culprit. In a lot of ways we chose to look at how this works for us. Holidays, birthdays, special occassions are celebrated longer. Unlike being in the same time zone, we get an extra 12 hours so these moments are increased by 50% more than the usual. With this said, we have more time to celebrate, more time to say I LOVE YOU, more plans to have, more 2 Good Mornings, 2 Good Nights, 2 of each official greeting.

As our special day came, I tried to capture every moment. Every word, every sound, every gesture. I wanted to freeze every thing as we went thru the day. It is our 1st year anniversary! I wanted to encapsulate everything thats happening on that day and put it in a bottle to preserve and keep it safe and protected. If there was a vault of memories, I knew I wanted that day to be there. And open the vault and escape in it each and everytime I would miss her too much. We wanted to hold on to every moment of this day. I said HAPPY ANNIVERSARY every hour of my day, and even in my sleep I believe I have pre-programmed myself to greet her in my dreams thru my prayers. As my 24 hour day came to an end, it didnt feel like that day was ending as I knew I had 12 more hours of this special day. If only I could have a list of everything I wanted to say, do.. just everything to make this day even more special than it already is, I would give anything for it. As my noon started to come, it felt like every second went by slower, or maybe I psyched myself into thinking this but I grabbed on to each second as tight as I could. On the last hour of our anniversary I say HAPPY ANNIVERSARY over and over again. With just a few more minutes left, a thought came to me and in those few minutes left, I came to a realization...

The last 365 days I've had with her are priceless... and I hold these closest to my heart. I keep it where no one else can get to it but me and her. It is guarded by nothing else but my love for her. Those 365 days have gone by but 1 thing I hold true is that I am with her... on this day, I now have her in my past, in my present and I continue to have her in our future together. I told her, I dont know how many people in this world have realized it yet... but I dont think anyone has ever celebrated their UNNIVERSARY! 12:00:01 of February 23rd, I told her "HAPPY UNNIVERSARY"! We've had our 1st Year Anniversary together and now we are beggining the first moments of our 2nd! As another year comes for us, I know it will be as special as the past 365 days. This is what UNNIVERSARY is all about... the begginning of another year from a wonderful year that we have enjoyed, treasured and have been blessed with. It is the beginning of what is yet to come. The beginning of our next anniversary. One good thing with numbers is its infinity. From seconds, to minutes, hours, days, months and years, my love for her continues on, growing even stronger as each moment passes on. As numbers are infinite, my love for her is immeasureable. From the moment I met her until my lifetimes of forever. HAPPY UNNIVERSARY, NUTBROWN!! Ti amo, stellina mia!


Cheers!!

joyous =0)