For the longest time, I've always believed that one's true measure of love is their ability to make sacrifices and give as much effort to make the person they love happy. I believed that when you truly love someone, you strictly follow a list of "do's and dont's". That although no two love stories or relationships are exactly the same, the recipe for a successful relationship is absolute... which is: Never mess up! With this belief I felt that in relationships, there are no room for errors. One may only be given one chance and if you ever mess up that chance and you find yourself alone and lonely, then more likely than not, you brought it upon yourself. I was a perfectionist when it came to love. I did not want to make a mistake. I was afraid of doing the wrong things, choosing the wrong words to say, showing my weakness and making a mistake regardless of what it is. This is not to say that I never did.. in fact, I made so many mistakes. Fortunately, fast forward to today I can say that I've learned from them. However, with this, unknowingly, I've also set an expectation of close to perfection from the person I truly love. For me, I thought everyone who was in love had the same philosophy as I did and whenever I had to deal with disappointments, it was hard for me to understand why I was let down and why things couldnt turn out the way it was planned or how I expected things to be. Again, I expected perfection and seamless turn of events. Little did I know that with this expectation came the perfect recipe for failure in my relationship.
I had to learn this the hard way... a very hard way. The hardest I could ever go through in my life. With the expectation of perfection, I pushed love away. I pushed the one I love away. I didnt know then that whenever we set this expectation, it is almost asking our partner to walk on egg shells and expect a smooth walk from them for as long as they are with us. This is impossible any way we look at it. It opens a box of insecurities not just for one but for the both of you. One will always have a feeling of not being good enough and the other will have the feeling of not getting enough. Both these feelings will be felt and experienced by each at different times within the relationship from which frustration will build up then eventually resentment will settle in. When this happens the relationship will soon be at breakpoint and off to a downward spiral and slippery slope. Seldom will it be repairable. I've come to realize that expectations are a relationship's greatest posion or it could also be its deadliest poison.
As painful as a breakup could be, looking back one year later, I realized that maybe it was necessary. Maybe that's what took for us to grow and be better as individuals. We needed that time apart. We needed to find ourselves and realize what was good in our lives not when we no longer had it but realize it when we had it and rebuild from there. We had to remember everything that was good before it turned bad. I had to realize what I was was doing wrong just as much as what I was doing right. I had to re-assess my expectations. So many ifs and buts, whys, hows, whos, whens, wheres..... virtually all the interrogatives I can think of I drilled my head into. I kept asking myself so many questions as if the answers to those questions would change the situation I was in at time. I knew there was no fixing to me, unless I was again with the one I truly love. My biggest question was: Was I truly loved?
I never thought I will actually get an answer to this question. I had a recurring thought that when Im old and grey, I will be on ny death bed, still asking the same question and wondering about the answer decades after. I felt that the answer to that question is what would complete my existence. The Omega to my Alpha.
It took a year to hear the answer... the answer that has always been there all along. The answer that I failed to recognized because I had a completely different expectation subconsciously. I've always based one's love by how much can be sacrificed to make me happy. How much effort will be put in to keep a promise. For each time things didnt turn out the way it was planned or how I wanted it, I always compared it to how I wouldve done it given the same situation. The only problem was... I was not in the same situation. I never was. Therefore, there was no way what I would think I wouldve done, could have been done. Simply because our situation and circumstances were different. And my expectations were completely off tangeant.
It took a year of the loneliest nights, and the hardest days with painful happy memories consuming me every single day realizing that I might have already lost the love of my life to finally recognize that love is never measured by the way I always thought it should be. Love is never absolute in the sense that different people love in different ways but even with this, it doesnt mean that they love any less than we do
. What I thought was a great love was even greater when I beagn to look at things from their perpective. The love that was being given to me was so much greater than what I had expected it to be. Much bigger that what I could even imagine for myself.
Little did I know that with every promise kept entailed a great sacrifice for their part. Every moment spent with me meant living another life. Every morning with me was a race to the sun. And every night shared together meant reaching for the stars without the moon shining. That every step taken with me was a leap over the water. I failed to recognize that every moment with me was truly all there was to keep, and yet I was given that moment just for us to be together...just to make me happy.
A year later, now older and hopefully wiser... I know better, after understanding what really happened and what went wrong. The only true measure of love can never be defined other than by one giving their very best. The best that they can and with the best that they have. The only unit of measurement for love is one's BEST! And in fact, when you are given their best, there is no longer any need to measure. Because truly, love should not be measured. Loving someonehas nothing to do with perfection. Contrary to this, love means being secure knowing that one's love for you is greater than your mistakes and failures. That when your shadow leaves at your darkest moments, you have their hand to hold until you finally find the light and still, you find them with you, next to you.. It is allowing room for mistakes and learning from them to be better. Not just as an individual but a better partner as well. Love is giving yourself in complete surrender trusting that you are loved the best way they know how. Love is believing what your heart has always known. Love is that feeling only understood by your heart and soul, only shared with that special special person .Love is setting aside questions as we follow where our heart leads us. Love is me and you, just us, believing in the promise of forever.
Cheers,
joyous =)
