Can't Fight The Moonlight
I had a dream...
And in that dream I had to be found.
A dream where everything was lost including myself. Everything I had and everything that meant anything to me was gone.
When we think of dreams, most often than not, the first things that come to mind are wishes, aspirations, things we've always wanted but didn't get the chance. Things that we don't lose of in eventually getting. Things we hope to be ours if not today, one day. Dreams are there sometimes for us to continue to have faith in something. To believe. To hope.
But there are also dreams that come from time to time. Dreams that are not too pleasant. Dreams that scare us. Nightmares. Dreams that lead us to despair.
A lot of times we anticipate to dream because this is a momentary place and state of mind where we are taken to a world of make belief or perhaps even sometimes, premonition. We hope to be taken to the future that we wish to see. To a world where there is nothing else to want because whatever the wants are, in dreams they become what we have. If only by closing our eyes and surrendering ourselves to unconsciousness we can have everything we've ever wished for.
But life has been designed to be more exciting, unpredictable, complicated, and even cunning at times. When we least expect it, life happens and sometimes throws up off track and derails us from a constant path, one that we have always been sure of and one that we've grown to be so comfortable with.
In this dream, from a fairytale ongoing leading to a happy ending, life decided to step in and shake things up. Everything that was routinary became the habitual exceptions. From what was comfortable suddenly became extremely awkward. Everything I was very sure about, all doubts and fears were casted one by one until uncertainty was inevitable. When all my heart knew to was to fall in love everyday all over again for as long as I can remember, I found myself longing for what I can no longer find. My love, my life, my world, my everything.
In an instant I felt as if I was blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back and was made to walk towards a cliff where I can hear the water drop from the top to the bottom into the stream. I knew if I continue walking I will have the same fate as the water, but if I stop and stood still, I am stuck and was heading nowhere. I asked myself, do I want to take the big drop and hope that after the drop, the water will cradle me and carry me out to take safely to dry land? Or do I just want to stand alone stuck in the dark not knowing where to go and just hope that with no effort the blindfold will fall out on its own which would eventually allow me to see again. It was a very tough decision, not to mention risky either way.
It was what I felt was late afternoon when the sun was starting to go down and the air was starting to cool down. I felt the sunlight hitting my face starting to fade away. I knew at any moment, darkness will come. Will the moon and stars be enough to light up my way? Or will it be a long wait until morning comes before I can see again?
With so much hesitation I made my decision. I knew I had to walk and head towards the cliff...blindfolded, hands tied up. I knew it will be a long, hard, painful drop. But it was the only way the blindfold will come off and my hands be freed. As I headed towards what felt would be a bottomless pit, I took a deep breath, I prayed and surrendered completely. I no longer have my life in my hands. I've surrendered it to faith and to fate. I took the step that only the brave but faithful takes. My heart was conflicted with my head. Every reason, every logic, every justification couldn't make sense of it. But my heart said to believe in the power of the one thing it was sure of... Love. And so I did...
As I fell, it must've been the longest seconds of my life. Tears started to fall. As much as I wanted to scream, I was powerless. I cannot find the voice I had in me. The further and faster I fell, the harder it was to breath. Seconds felt like hours. The wind from the free fall felt like needles puncturing every inch of my skin, the darkness was blinding, the rope that bound my hands felt tighter that I can no longer feel my fingers. I felt myself falling closer to the water as I started feeling little splashes refreshing as it should be, I felt the complete opposite. I dreaded it because I knew I was about to hit hard. As I was continuously falling and in mid air, I saw visions of random times in my life. Then from the random, my most treasured memories started flashing in front of me. It was as though I was being shown a tribute and a summary of all the moments I held closely in my heart. Memories that only me and my heart knew about. Memories that only existed in the world that my love and I shared. After seeing these visions, thoughts started to come to mind. However, shortly after, these thoughts were disrupted by the loudest most dreadful noise I've ever heard. I can't find the right words for it, its sounded like a gun shot, an exploding bomb, an erupting volcano, a huge avalanche, metal crunching, windows shattering, door slamming, forest burning, world crumbling and coming to an end... I heard my heart breaking.
I realized I've hit the water after falling off from the cliff. It was only then that I realized it was possible for the loudest noise to have the same sound as a feather falling if it came from a breaking heart suffering in silence.
As I feel every cut, every bruise every broken bone in my body, I started breathing slow and deep grasping for all the much needed air I can get. I felt like a ragged doll in a turbulent stream. The more breaths I took, I closer I felt to death. With the blindfold gone and hands untied from the pressure of the fall, I thought I'd be able to see better. But with both eyes bruised and swollen any sense of sight was hazy at best. And with hardly any strength I couldn't move any part of my body. I relied to the water to carry me to wherever it wishes me to take. I was not only weak, I had no control over myself. With every strength I can find in me, I tried opening my eyes and saw myself hitting one boulder after the other as the water current became only way to safety. In so much pain, I can no longer keep my eyes open so in complete surrender, I closed my eyes. I felt tears falling but even those were comforting as it was an assurance that I was still alive. As I start to lost consciousness, all I was waiting for was salvation. Something... anything that can save me from what was obviously an inevitable death.
I don’t know how long in terms of minutes, hours, days, weeks when this death was in me. Immense pain: physical, mental, emotional... inch of me, every part of me and everything I am was in pain. Still feeling lost and disoriented I realized I was laying on a bed of rocks. I can hear the water flowing from the stream, I can hear the crickets and birds in the forest’, and I can feel the moonlight shinning on me as if it was asking me to elevate and take the path it lights with a promise that once I take the few hard and treacherous steps, I will finally find the comfort I've been looking for.
Just a few steps away I saw my love, my life, my world, my everything.. holding out her hand saying softly in the most comforting voice “Wake up Joy, open your eyes… it’s just a dream… Open your eyes and you won’t cry anymore”. And as I tried to get up to reach for her hand, she came to me smiling. She held my hand and picked me up and wrapped a white warm fuzzy blanket around me. From then on, every step I took was so much easier. It didn’t matter how blurred my vision was because her eyes were enough to guide both of us to the right way. Her hands were strong enough to support me while we walked together. And the site of the stars and the moonlight from the dark night sky was enough promise that tomorrow, I will wake up with her next to me, holding my hand and assuring me that no matter how dark the road may get, there will be always be the two of us helping each other make it through.
Clarity and love comes when you least expect it. In its perfect time, in the perfect situation in a unique and special way to make the best out of every imperfections that come into our live.
Cheers!
joyous002 =)
