A Letter To The Girl Who Lost The Girl She Loved
Hello,
First of all, I wanted to say thank you for writing your open letter and having the strength and courage to share it to those who might find interest in reading an article about, love, loss, pain and the journey that one takes from being in love to ending up writing an open letter to the one she once shared her deepest secrets to and shared most precious moments with. I know how strange it feels looking back and finding yourself in the opposite side of the spectrum from where you started when you fell in love with her.
I first read your letter when I was at work… big mistake! After the first couple sentences, I found myself struggling to find my Kleenex in my purse as I bit my lip trying to stop myself from crying and eventually breaking down. Not only because I’m pretty much in the same situation as you but mostly because I saw both myself and the one I love (but no longer with) in what you’re going through. It is a blessing that I saw both personas in a single letter, from a single writer. When we read letters, it is normally one sided and we seem to sympathize with one or the other. But your letter was different, at least to me it was.
Just like you, I am in a new journey of going through each and every day without the one I truly love. The one I’ve built my world around. The one person who was included in every single plan I’ve made for my life. With everything I’ve planned for, she was in it. With every thought I had, she was with me. I have planned for “the rest of my life” to be with her. Whether it be happy, sad, tough, easy… no matter what the day will bring me, I have always envisioned her with me. I even have back thoughts of arguments with her. Rebuttals I would have for her. Convictions I’d stick up to her. I’ve planned on marrying her exactly how she wanted me to marry her. Without her knowing, I’ve already written my vows for her. I’ve kept it in a scrap book where all the little trinkets are. From time to time, I write on it.. random thoughts, receipts, table napkins, petals.. just anything that means something to me and that would remind me of specific moments I shared with her. When I started that scrap book, I was certain I would have volumes of that scrap book that I will show and read to our kids one day. The years I’ve spent with her were priceless… Up to this day, those were the finest moments of my life. I was happiest whenever I was with her, and the saddest and most miserable whenever I couldn’t spend time with her. Don’t get me wrong though, it wasn’t always perfect. Our relationship was made up of the sweetest of days and the toughest of times… And that’s what made it so precious. Whenever we pull ourselves through the most difficult arguments are the most rewarding and fulfilling because as similar as we both were, the fact remains that we were 2 different people trying to live a life as one… and whenever people do that, conflicts are unavoidable because their differences sometimes get in the way.
Just like you, whenever we would get in a big fight, she will take off the ring I gave her and put away anything that would remind her of me. It killed me every single time and I never got used to it no matter how many times she did it. It made me feel insignificant and worthless. It felt as though everything that meant something to me turn into nothing for her. For me, our ring signified everything I held true… that she was my life, my love, my world, my everything. Everything I felt for her, all my dreams, all my wishes, all my plans, I wore around my finger. Every bit of memory of us together are one by one encapsulated in the casting of that ring as we go through and live everyday together. I needed something tangible that I can hold on to and it was that ring. Through the years, I’ve developed a habit of rubbing my thumb on the ring whenever I get nervous, sad, anxious, and even when I’m extremely happy. With it, I felt it brought me closer to her whenever I was away from her and at times, when I couldn’t talk to her because I was in a meeting, or driving or just because we were both doing something, somewhere, at a place and time where we weren’t together.
Fast forward to the time I am writing this now, just like you, our relationship has ended. It’s been more than a month since I last saw her and spoke to her. But it feels like years. Every moment is a struggle. Each second feels like it could last forever. I can’t wait to get through each day because from the moment I wake up until I close my eyes to sleep, I’m never certain if I can make it through. Seeing both the sun and the moon becomes painful because it is another day spent without her. Seeing the stars makes me miserable because I know that no matter how many stars are out there in the sky there is just one wish I’ll keep making… and that is that she comes back to me. As bright as the stars are, they are way too far and mere childhood dreams and fantasies wouldn’t bring her back to me. People have always said that time heals all wounds, I’ve always thought they were right. But now I wonder if it applies to all situations or if heartbreaks are exceptions to that because this broken heart still hurts and doesn’t get better with each day that comes. In fact, I feel like it cuts deeper in deeper with every day I spend without her. I’ve been told that its just a matter of getting used to. But how does that work?, I ask myself. How do I unlearn loving her? How do I build new dreams without her? So many “hows” and “whys” but the scary part is that I may never know the answer to these questions and I may never understand how such a perfect love can have a very painful ending. And how forever is no longer infinite and how it can end so soon.
Sleep becomes my best friend and every love song becomes a constant companion. When I get lucky and find myself exhausted coming home, I lay in bed and say a prayer for her to come in my dreams, that even just in dreams, I can feel how it’s like to be with her again. I cling on to every hope, every faith, every chance, anything that could take me back to the moments when I was with her. Before the finality dawned onto me that we are over and that there’s no more “us” … now only a “me” and “her”.
I’m the worst person to give any advice because if I wasn’t, then I wouldn’t be just like you hurting. But if its to any comfort, I would say you were right in not wanting her to change her mind. You are not alone in that. No one deserves to feel like they are just an option… as if you are just one of the choices in a multiple choice or an odd man out quiz. When you plan your life and build your world around someone, you need them to be definite about you at the very least. If it means losing her for a few weeks, months, years or however long it takes for them to figure out that you are “the one” so then be it. If it never happens then I guess either or both of you deserves better. I’ve heard people say that closure from an ended a relationship is a privilege and never a right. We can never demand it. It may end up that the memories you’ve had with her will be just that… memories; and all the lessons you’ve learned along with it.
I’ve always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I know that at the stage that we are both in, its very hard to make sense of anything because none of it makes sense. Everything is a blur and as clear as mud. Maybe that’s how it should be right now. Maybe the only path we can take in this journey is living each day until we find the answers unravel before us. Reading your letter made me realize that in situations like this, there is no “heartbreaker” and “the one who’s heart got broken”. When two people share their lives together and promise forever to each other, those two characters no longer exist. Because when the love between them fades and doesn’t work out the way they planned it to work and last, no one wins… both their hearts get broken in the end. One may handle it better than the other, but that’s never an indication of who’s hurting more. Some heartbreaks are explosive as bombs, while others suffer in deafening silence. Either way, a breaking heart is a heart broken which needs healing, mending and fixing… until the pieces are back together and capable of loving again. Whether it’s for the same person or for another, that will be another letter to the girl who lost the girl she loved.
Until then,
joyous002 =(
Note: This is a response to an open letter from an Anonymous writter on Thought Catalog published on March 14, 2013 entitled An Open Letter To The Girl I Loved and Lost
