To Have And To Hold... And Never Part

To Have and To Hold...And Never Part


How we define love is a combination of all our ideals, values, dreams, desires and experiences. I have always thought that love was consists of a process that follows the law of action and reaction, the theory of "ifs and thens" and the concept of an absolute formula that the universe will conspire all its elements for a favorable, ideal and the much coveted "happily ever after".


After years of continuous learning, I mark my 34th year with the conclusion that everything I thought and believed love was, was just a tiny fraction of the spectrum of what it really is about. I say this because I know that as I continue my journey in life, I know I am yet to be marvelled by what love truly is and what it can do not just to those who believes in it but also to those who have lost faith and stopped believing that true love still exists. This is not to say that it will come knocking on your door one day and roll out a red carpet with Cinderella 's carriage waiting at the end of the carpet, neither does it come with a talking monkey ready to chauffer you as you fly around the world in a magic carpet passing by the Pyramids of Egypt and the Leaning Tower of Piza or wherever you might want to stop over before reaching Agrabah. This is not what it is all about...not at all. In fact, if this is your idea of what love is, brace yourself and prepare for a big revelation which is going to change you for the rest of your life.


Love is not just about fairytales and childhood fantasies coming into life. Although in a perfect world, I think everyone deserves their own fairytale in life. The truth is... Love and being in love is full of mysteries and revelations unfolding right in front of your eyes, your heart and your entire life. Love is never easy. Anyone who has experienced true love would tell you that expecting it to be a walk on the park is pure manage and insanity. Falling in love and staying in love with someone drives you crazy...and when I say crazy, I mean losing and giving up all logic, rational and sensible understanding and judgment all because we believe it is love...and we subscribe to the idea with every wishful thinking and all the secret wishes we've made on falling stars that in time, love will eventually pull through.


My idea of love has now changed from the unrealistic fairytale-like kind of love to the real world human inter-related kind of love. The truth is when you truly love someone, the true blue honest to goodness kind of love, you will realize that love's goal is not to make everything easy for anyone. In fact, love is not practical, it never is and I doubt it will ever be. True love forces you to love not just the person. I say it forces you because when you fall madly deeply in love with someone, you no longer have a choice but to love every bit of them. You can't hand pick what you want to love and leave out the rest. You fall in love with their entire being and all the other extensions that comes along with them...and this is where the tests really come in. It's not so hard to fall in love with a person. But the challenge learning to love the person as a whole and entirerity. Just like ourselves, this person has had a world before we came along. All their experiences, the people who were a part of the person they have become. In short...their and our pasts. The past that if it weren't for them, we would've been a different person from who we are now. The past that molded us to become our own person. The past that conspired every event we had in our lives and brought us to the person we are so in love with. Yes, the past is both the protagonist and antagonist in many love stories. Why? Because it is the past that has brought us to the present. And it is what carries us to the future if we allows ourselves to move on and learn from it to make the best of the present.


I was wrong to believe that love was a process consist of procedures with instructions to follow. Love has no process. Love is freestyling your way through everything life throws at you and doing anything and everything it takes to things work.

The Measure of Love

The Measure of Love

For the longest time, I've always believed that one's true measure of love is their ability to make sacrifices and give as much effort to make the person they love happy. I believed that when you truly love someone, you strictly follow a list of "do's and dont's". That although no two love stories or relationships are exactly the same, the recipe for a successful relationship is absolute... which is: Never mess up! With this belief I felt that in relationships, there are no room for errors. One may only be given one chance and if you ever mess up that chance and you find yourself alone and lonely, then more likely than not, you brought it upon yourself. I was a perfectionist when it came to love. I did not want to make a mistake. I was afraid of doing the wrong things, choosing the wrong words to say, showing my weakness and making a mistake regardless of what it is. This is not to say that I never did.. in fact, I made so many mistakes. Fortunately, fast forward to today I can say that I've learned from them. However, with this, unknowingly, I've also set an expectation of close to perfection from the person I truly love. For me, I thought everyone who was in love had the same philosophy as I did and whenever I had to deal with disappointments, it was hard for me to understand why I was let down and why things couldnt turn out the way it was planned or how I expected things to be. Again, I expected perfection and seamless turn of events. Little did I know that with this expectation came the perfect recipe for failure in my relationship.

I had to learn this the hard way... a very hard way. The hardest I could ever go through in my life. With the expectation of perfection, I pushed love away. I pushed the one I love away. I didnt know then that whenever we set this expectation, it is almost asking our partner to walk on egg shells and expect a smooth walk from them for as long as they are with us. This is impossible any way we look at it. It opens a box of insecurities not just for one but for the both of you. One will always have a feeling of not being good enough and the other will have the feeling of not getting enough. Both these feelings will be felt and experienced by each at different times within the relationship from which frustration will build up then eventually resentment will settle in. When this happens the relationship will soon be at breakpoint and off to a downward spiral and slippery slope. Seldom will it be repairable. I've come to realize that expectations are a relationship's greatest posion or it could also be its deadliest poison.

As painful as a breakup could be, looking back one year later, I realized that maybe it was necessary. Maybe that's what took for us to grow and be better as individuals. We needed that time apart. We needed to find ourselves and realize what was good in our lives not when we no longer had it but realize it when we had it and rebuild from there. We had to remember everything that was good before it turned bad. I had to realize what I was was doing wrong just as much as what I was doing right. I had to re-assess my expectations. So many ifs and buts, whys, hows, whos, whens, wheres..... virtually all the interrogatives I can think of I drilled my head into. I kept asking myself so many questions as if the answers to those questions would change the situation I was in at time. I knew there was no fixing to me, unless I was again with the one I truly love. My biggest question was: Was I truly loved?

I never thought I will actually get an answer to this question. I had a recurring thought that when Im old and grey, I will be on ny death bed, still asking the same question and wondering about the answer decades after. I felt that the answer to that question is what would complete my existence. The Omega to my Alpha.

It took a year to hear the answer... the answer that has always been there all along. The answer that I failed to recognized because I had a completely different expectation subconsciously. I've always based one's love by how much can be sacrificed to make me happy. How much effort will be put in to keep a promise. For each time things didnt turn out the way it was planned or how I wanted it, I always compared it to how I wouldve done it given the same situation. The only problem was... I was not in the same situation. I never was. Therefore, there was no way what I would think I wouldve done, could have been done. Simply because our situation and circumstances were different. And my expectations were completely off tangeant.

It took a year of the loneliest nights, and the hardest days with painful happy memories consuming me every single day realizing that I might have already lost the love of my life to finally recognize that love is never measured by the way I always thought it should be. Love is never absolute in the sense that different people love in different ways but even with this, it doesnt mean that they love any less than we do
. What I thought was a great love was even greater when I beagn to look at things from their perpective. The love that was being given to me was so much greater than what I had expected it to be. Much bigger that what I could even imagine for myself.

Little did I know that with every promise kept entailed a great sacrifice for their part. Every moment spent with me meant living another life. Every morning with me was a race to the sun. And every night shared together meant reaching for the stars without the moon shining. That every step taken with me was a leap over the water. I failed to recognize that every moment with me was truly all there was to keep, and yet I was given that moment just for us to be together...just to make me happy.

A year later, now older and hopefully wiser... I know better, after understanding what really happened and what went wrong. The only true measure of love can never be defined other than by one giving their very best. The best that they can and with the best that they have. The only unit of measurement for love is one's BEST! And in fact, when you are given their best, there is no longer any need to measure. Because truly, love should not be measured. Loving someonehas nothing to do with perfection. Contrary to this, love means being secure knowing that one's love for you is greater than your mistakes and failures. That when your shadow leaves at your darkest moments, you have their hand to hold until you finally find the light and still, you find them with you, next to you.. It is allowing room for mistakes and learning from them to be better. Not just as an individual but a better partner as well. Love is giving yourself in complete surrender trusting that you are loved the best way they know how. Love is believing what your heart has always known. Love is that feeling only understood by your heart and soul, only shared with that special special person .Love is setting aside questions as we follow where our heart leads us. Love is me and you, just us, believing in the promise of forever.

Cheers,

joyous =)

 

The Sandbox

We could've met when we were 2
In a sandbox at our neighborhood park
Or maybe when we were 7
In a school bus every morning, before our classes start

We couldve played together at 13
During one of our soccer games
Or maybe when we were 18 at a bar
When I came up to you and ask for your number and name

We couldve walked or passed by each other at 22
While we were in the university for college
Or at 27 at a nearby hospital
We were both sick, you had your vertigo I had my bandage

But it was that one special day when we were 29
You were there too when I decided to go online
The very first time we talked and when I saw you
I knew right away, you were the one I wanted to be mine

A year later, when I turned 30
From you, I received the best surprise of my life
A birthday party, just me and you
In our own virtual world with our laptops via Skype

At 31 together we saw the seasons change
Winter, spring, summer, fall,
A meteor shower
And non stop snow and rain

Another year has passed and I'm 32
But now I'm all alone
No longer with you

I never stopped thinking
What happened to us
What was real? What was true?

How could a love like ours
End so soon
Did I not wish hard enough
When I saw the brightest star right next to the moon

How was it possible that our forevermore had to end
When the world hasnt even given yet
Our perfect time, not even a chance
For our life together to begin

Now, February 22nd will just be another calendar day
No more Nutbrown Valentines, Easter
Birthdays and Christmas
None of our special holidays

I know I still have the rest of my life to live
Without you everyday it's so hard to breathe

They say that the circle of life is infinite
If that is true, in our next lifetime
Just know that in the sandbox
As promised, everyday for you I will wait


~ joyous002  =,(

A Letter To The Girl Who Lost The Girl She Loved

A Letter To The Girl Who Lost The Girl She Loved


Hello,


First of all, I wanted to say thank you for writing your open letter and having the strength and courage to share it to those who might find interest in reading an article about, love, loss, pain and the journey that one takes from being in love to ending up writing an open letter to the one she once shared her deepest secrets to and shared most precious moments with. I know how strange it feels looking back and finding yourself in the opposite side of the spectrum from where you started when you fell in love with her.

I first read your letter when I was at work… big mistake! After the first couple sentences, I found myself struggling to find my Kleenex in my purse as I bit my lip trying to stop myself from crying and eventually breaking down. Not only because I’m pretty much in the same situation as you but mostly because I saw both myself and the one I love (but no longer with) in what you’re going through. It is a blessing that I saw both personas in a single letter, from a single writer. When we read letters, it is normally one sided and we seem to sympathize with one or the other. But your letter was different, at least to me it was.

Just like you, I am in a new journey of going through each and every day without the one I truly love. The one I’ve built my world around. The one person who was included in every single plan I’ve made for my life. With everything I’ve planned for, she was in it. With every thought I had, she was with me. I have planned for “the rest of my life” to be with her. Whether it be happy, sad, tough, easy… no matter what the day will bring me, I have always envisioned her with me. I even have back thoughts of arguments with her. Rebuttals I would have for her. Convictions I’d stick up to her. I’ve planned on marrying her exactly how she wanted me to marry her. Without her knowing, I’ve already written my vows for her. I’ve kept it in a scrap book where all the little trinkets are. From time to time, I write on it.. random thoughts, receipts, table napkins, petals.. just anything that means something to me and that would remind me of specific moments I shared with her. When I started that scrap book, I was certain I would have volumes of that scrap book that I will show and read to our kids one day. The years I’ve spent with her were priceless… Up to this day, those were the finest moments of my life. I was happiest whenever I was with her, and the saddest and most miserable whenever I couldn’t spend time with her. Don’t get me wrong though, it wasn’t always perfect. Our relationship was made up of the sweetest of days and the toughest of times… And that’s what made it so precious. Whenever we pull ourselves through the most difficult arguments are the most rewarding and fulfilling because as similar as we both were, the fact remains that we were 2 different people trying to live a life as one… and whenever people do that, conflicts are unavoidable because their differences sometimes get in the way.

Just like you, whenever we would get in a big fight, she will take off the ring I gave her and put away anything that would remind her of me. It killed me every single time and I never got used to it no matter how many times she did it. It made me feel insignificant and worthless. It felt as though everything that meant something to me turn into nothing for her. For me, our ring signified everything I held true… that she was my life, my love, my world, my everything. Everything I felt for her, all my dreams, all my wishes, all my plans, I wore around my finger. Every bit of memory of us together are one by one encapsulated in the casting of that ring as we go through and live everyday together. I needed something tangible that I can hold on to and it was that ring. Through the years, I’ve developed a habit of rubbing my thumb on the ring whenever I get nervous, sad, anxious, and even when I’m extremely happy. With it, I felt it brought me closer to her whenever I was away from her and at times, when I couldn’t talk to her because I was in a meeting, or driving or just because we were both doing something, somewhere, at a place and time where we weren’t together.

Fast forward to the time I am writing this now, just like you, our relationship has ended. It’s been more than a month since I last saw her and spoke to her. But it feels like years. Every moment is a struggle. Each second feels like it could last forever. I can’t wait to get through each day because from the moment I wake up until I close my eyes to sleep, I’m never certain if I can make it through. Seeing both the sun and the moon becomes painful because it is another day spent without her. Seeing the stars makes me miserable because I know that no matter how many stars are out there in the sky there is just one wish I’ll keep making… and that is that she comes back to me. As bright as the stars are, they are way too far and mere childhood dreams and fantasies wouldn’t bring her back to me. People have always said that time heals all wounds, I’ve always thought they were right. But now I wonder if it applies to all situations or if heartbreaks are exceptions to that because this broken heart still hurts and doesn’t get better with each day that comes. In fact, I feel like it cuts deeper in deeper with every day I spend without her. I’ve been told that its just a matter of getting used to. But how does that work?, I ask myself. How do I unlearn loving her? How do I build new dreams without her? So many “hows” and “whys” but the scary part is that I may never know the answer to these questions and I may never understand how such a perfect love can have a very painful ending. And how forever is no longer infinite and how it can end so soon.

Sleep becomes my best friend and every love song becomes a constant companion. When I get lucky and find myself exhausted coming home, I lay in bed and say a prayer for her to come in my dreams, that even just in dreams, I can feel how it’s like to be with her again. I cling on to every hope, every faith, every chance, anything that could take me back to the moments when I was with her. Before the finality dawned onto me that we are over and that there’s no more “us” … now only a “me” and “her”.

I’m the worst person to give any advice because if I wasn’t, then I wouldn’t be just like you hurting. But if its to any comfort, I would say you were right in not wanting her to change her mind. You are not alone in that. No one deserves to feel like they are just an option… as if you are just one of the choices in a multiple choice or an odd man out quiz. When you plan your life and build your world around someone, you need them to be definite about you at the very least. If it means losing her for a few weeks, months, years or however long it takes for them to figure out that you are “the one” so then be it. If it never happens then I guess either or both of you deserves better. I’ve heard people say that closure from an ended a relationship is a privilege and never a right. We can never demand it. It may end up that the memories you’ve had with her will be just that… memories; and all the lessons you’ve learned along with it.

I’ve always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I know that at the stage that we are both in, its very hard to make sense of anything because none of it makes sense. Everything is a blur and as clear as mud. Maybe that’s how it should be right now. Maybe the only path we can take in this journey is living each day until we find the answers unravel before us. Reading your letter made me realize that in situations like this, there is no “heartbreaker” and “the one who’s heart got broken”. When two people share their lives together and promise forever to each other, those two characters no longer exist. Because when the love between them fades and doesn’t work out the way they planned it to work and last, no one wins… both their hearts get broken in the end. One may handle it better than the other, but that’s never an indication of who’s hurting more. Some heartbreaks are explosive as bombs, while others suffer in deafening silence. Either way, a breaking heart is a heart broken which needs healing, mending and fixing… until the pieces are back together and capable of loving again. Whether it’s for the same person or for another, that will be another letter to the girl who lost the girl she loved.

Until then,

joyous002 =(


Note: This is a response to an open letter from an Anonymous writter on Thought Catalog published on March 14, 2013 entitled An Open Letter To The Girl I Loved and Lost

Can't Fight The Moonlight

Can't Fight The Moonlight I had a dream... And in that dream I had to be found. A dream where everything was lost including myself. Everything I had and everything that meant anything to me was gone. When we think of dreams, most often than not, the first things that come to mind are wishes, aspirations, things we've always wanted but didn't get the chance. Things that we don't lose of in eventually getting. Things we hope to be ours if not today, one day. Dreams are there sometimes for us to continue to have faith in something. To believe. To hope. But there are also dreams that come from time to time. Dreams that are not too pleasant. Dreams that scare us. Nightmares. Dreams that lead us to despair. A lot of times we anticipate to dream because this is a momentary place and state of mind where we are taken to a world of make belief or perhaps even sometimes, premonition. We hope to be taken to the future that we wish to see. To a world where there is nothing else to want because whatever the wants are, in dreams they become what we have. If only by closing our eyes and surrendering ourselves to unconsciousness we can have everything we've ever wished for. But life has been designed to be more exciting, unpredictable, complicated, and even cunning at times. When we least expect it, life happens and sometimes throws up off track and derails us from a constant path, one that we have always been sure of and one that we've grown to be so comfortable with. In this dream, from a fairytale ongoing leading to a happy ending, life decided to step in and shake things up. Everything that was routinary became the habitual exceptions. From what was comfortable suddenly became extremely awkward. Everything I was very sure about, all doubts and fears were casted one by one until uncertainty was inevitable. When all my heart knew to was to fall in love everyday all over again for as long as I can remember, I found myself longing for what I can no longer find. My love, my life, my world, my everything. In an instant I felt as if I was blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back and was made to walk towards a cliff where I can hear the water drop from the top to the bottom into the stream. I knew if I continue walking I will have the same fate as the water, but if I stop and stood still, I am stuck and was heading nowhere. I asked myself, do I want to take the big drop and hope that after the drop, the water will cradle me and carry me out to take safely to dry land? Or do I just want to stand alone stuck in the dark not knowing where to go and just hope that with no effort the blindfold will fall out on its own which would eventually allow me to see again. It was a very tough decision, not to mention risky either way. It was what I felt was late afternoon when the sun was starting to go down and the air was starting to cool down. I felt the sunlight hitting my face starting to fade away. I knew at any moment, darkness will come. Will the moon and stars be enough to light up my way? Or will it be a long wait until morning comes before I can see again? With so much hesitation I made my decision. I knew I had to walk and head towards the cliff...blindfolded, hands tied up. I knew it will be a long, hard, painful drop. But it was the only way the blindfold will come off and my hands be freed. As I headed towards what felt would be a bottomless pit, I took a deep breath, I prayed and surrendered completely. I no longer have my life in my hands. I've surrendered it to faith and to fate. I took the step that only the brave but faithful takes. My heart was conflicted with my head. Every reason, every logic, every justification couldn't make sense of it. But my heart said to believe in the power of the one thing it was sure of... Love. And so I did... As I fell, it must've been the longest seconds of my life. Tears started to fall. As much as I wanted to scream, I was powerless. I cannot find the voice I had in me. The further and faster I fell, the harder it was to breath. Seconds felt like hours. The wind from the free fall felt like needles puncturing every inch of my skin, the darkness was blinding, the rope that bound my hands felt tighter that I can no longer feel my fingers. I felt myself falling closer to the water as I started feeling little splashes refreshing as it should be, I felt the complete opposite. I dreaded it because I knew I was about to hit hard. As I was continuously falling and in mid air, I saw visions of random times in my life. Then from the random, my most treasured memories started flashing in front of me. It was as though I was being shown a tribute and a summary of all the moments I held closely in my heart. Memories that only me and my heart knew about. Memories that only existed in the world that my love and I shared. After seeing these visions, thoughts started to come to mind. However, shortly after, these thoughts were disrupted by the loudest most dreadful noise I've ever heard. I can't find the right words for it, its sounded like a gun shot, an exploding bomb, an erupting volcano, a huge avalanche, metal crunching, windows shattering, door slamming, forest burning, world crumbling and coming to an end... I heard my heart breaking. I realized I've hit the water after falling off from the cliff. It was only then that I realized it was possible for the loudest noise to have the same sound as a feather falling if it came from a breaking heart suffering in silence. As I feel every cut, every bruise every broken bone in my body, I started breathing slow and deep grasping for all the much needed air I can get. I felt like a ragged doll in a turbulent stream. The more breaths I took, I closer I felt to death. With the blindfold gone and hands untied from the pressure of the fall, I thought I'd be able to see better. But with both eyes bruised and swollen any sense of sight was hazy at best. And with hardly any strength I couldn't move any part of my body. I relied to the water to carry me to wherever it wishes me to take. I was not only weak, I had no control over myself. With every strength I can find in me, I tried opening my eyes and saw myself hitting one boulder after the other as the water current became only way to safety. In so much pain, I can no longer keep my eyes open so in complete surrender, I closed my eyes. I felt tears falling but even those were comforting as it was an assurance that I was still alive. As I start to lost consciousness, all I was waiting for was salvation. Something... anything that can save me from what was obviously an inevitable death. I don’t know how long in terms of minutes, hours, days, weeks when this death was in me. Immense pain: physical, mental, emotional... inch of me, every part of me and everything I am was in pain. Still feeling lost and disoriented I realized I was laying on a bed of rocks. I can hear the water flowing from the stream, I can hear the crickets and birds in the forest’, and I can feel the moonlight shinning on me as if it was asking me to elevate and take the path it lights with a promise that once I take the few hard and treacherous steps, I will finally find the comfort I've been looking for. Just a few steps away I saw my love, my life, my world, my everything.. holding out her hand saying softly in the most comforting voice “Wake up Joy, open your eyes… it’s just a dream… Open your eyes and you won’t cry anymore”. And as I tried to get up to reach for her hand, she came to me smiling. She held my hand and picked me up and wrapped a white warm fuzzy blanket around me. From then on, every step I took was so much easier. It didn’t matter how blurred my vision was because her eyes were enough to guide both of us to the right way. Her hands were strong enough to support me while we walked together. And the site of the stars and the moonlight from the dark night sky was enough promise that tomorrow, I will wake up with her next to me, holding my hand and assuring me that no matter how dark the road may get, there will be always be the two of us helping each other make it through. Clarity and love comes when you least expect it. In its perfect time, in the perfect situation in a unique and special way to make the best out of every imperfections that come into our live. Cheers! joyous002 =)

When We Are Old and Grey

When We Are Old and Grey

During the past few days, I got a chance to do a lot of reflecting, visualizing, imagining and soul searching. In the process, there were a lot of thoughts that came in to me. Some were thoughts that have always been there while some are new discoveries and some are thoughts of hope... hope for what I envision my life to be like.

In these thoughts, there were 3 things that were consistently present... and all these 3 things were always close together-- Me, my Nutbrown and Love.

In all these thoughts, there was never a time when she wasnt with me. There were never thoughts wherein she wasnt a part of it. She's always a part of my hopes and dreams just as much as I was a part of them. And in all those, it is love that
we felt and took us from one dream to another. My thoughts of love were those of the sense where the imperfections were the ones that made everything perfect for us. It wouldve been very unrealistic if all the thoughts I had were just of flowers, rainbows and unicorns. There were series of thoughts when we saw each other thru trials the same way that there were thoughts where empty hallways resounded with our laughter while we walked holding each other's hands tight. Some thoughts were of us taking care of each other at our weakest moments. There were also flashbacks of our virtual dates. One of which, I clearly remember. She took me on a carriage ride and showed me around Montreal. She asked me to close my eyes and as soon as I opened them, I found ourselves in a very beautiful church. I remember clearly how the very first tear on a date felt like. And how it was followed by more... It was the best date ever. Those tears were accompanied by smiles and beams on my face that I wish she had seen at that very moment. In the movie "City of Angels" there was a part where Nicholas Cage, the angel, asked Meg Ryan, who was a doctor why people cry. Her response was that sometimes, when our bodies are filled with so much emotions that it can no longer contain, that when we start to cry. At that moment, I knew that theory may be true. My heart was so full of bliss from my presence with her and at the same time my longing for her, and these emotions, I believe manifested into tears.

Just like all couples, we have our dates. Each very special in its own way. The other day we had our 3h date after a long time. I love how she always surprises me with impecable timing. I always tell her how I wish I can bottle up or frame every moment I have with her. But the more I internalize things, I realized that I think how we have it now beats all bottles and frames... My heart, mind and spirit and is consumed by thoughts of her... thoughts of me with her... thoughts of us together. I realize that when I have all these built-in within me, its way more realiable and lasts much longer than any bottles or frames. It's just like my heart and mind knows nothing else but to love her and think of her. And each thought of her, I absolutely love and adore.

If I were to illustrate the amount of thoughts I have of her in a day, the night sky with the moon and stars will not be enough. I always have infinite thoughts about the times I have with her whether these times are holidays, special occassions, or just regular days of the week. Afterall, she has a very special way of making ordinary days extra-ordinarily memorable. I look forward to a lifetime of these days with her as well as a lifetime of dates.

And when we are old and grey, while we have our Nutbrown dates, I know whether it would be hallways, churches or gardens, wherever it may be, it will still be resounding with our laughter while we walk together holding hands... with our canes on the other hand.


Cheers!!

~joyous =0)

Nutbrown: Good Love, Good Life

Nutbrown: Good Love, Good Life

I've always believed that in my life, things will not always be so ordinary. I don't know what it was and honestly, I know I cannot point a finger at what the indications were but somehow, I knew something extra ordinarily good will come to me. Whenever my family and I went to pilgrimage trips, I never prayed for a specific person to come into my life. I never really have a list of preference. I've heard from my parents and grandparents that when we pray for something, it would help to be specific. But when it came to love and the person who will be a permanent in my life, I didnt trust myself enough... I knew God knows best and that in His perfect time, my one true love will come along in the most extra-ordinarily special way. The way only God can perfectly craft and bring together.

I've always prayed for God to prepare me for my perfect match everyday not to be perfect but to mold me into what would be perfect for whom He created me for. My prayer was always for God to make me become the person that the the person he has created for me needs, want and love. And to be brought to this person at the time that would be perfect for us both.

February last year, I have received the most amazing surprise from God. He gave me my Nutbrown and I am hers. For more than a year now, a lot has changed. And these changes were primarily brought upon by my love for her. Since I met her, I looked at mornings and nights differently. Every breath I take seems to be deeper in the sense that I know Im living not just for me but for her as well. Each day comes not just becuase of the 24 hour ruling of day and night of the solar system but because each day i live is a day of the rest of my life with her. They say that marriage is a union of 2 people, when 2 people become 1 but I dont think marriage is necessary for this to happen. I think that there comes a point in a relationship where 2 people just blend in together that although they are 2 individuals, the beat of their hearts are to strong and so in-sync that the lives of 2 people mesh into 1 of togetherness.

With her, I've forgotten how to live my life alone. I have forgotten how to exist without her. She has become my world, my life and my everything. And I know it was only in God's grace that I made it this far not having her in my life prior to last year. I believe it was the 30 years of preparation and molding to get us both to the point where we met. People always say that life begnis at 40, but I know mine began when I met her at 29 turning 30. The first moments I've spent with her is still very clear. It was as if, looking back to yesterday. From time to time, we look back and tell each other about our childhood. As happy as it makes me, I never fail to get the sense of "I wish you were there with me then"... that's whats so good about life with her now.. at this age, at this point of life... We allow ourselves to relive everything that was good back then and NOW its even better because those days that we relive, we share together.

In a way, its like having a remote to our lives. It lets us go back to the moments that were special and gives us a chance to re-create this with each other. A lot of times, I feel like im having my 2nd childhood with her. I know its a bit too early for that but with this 2nd childhood, I feel as though I am back to what was good but this time i have her next to me holding my hand. I never knew how sharing these special times with the only person that matter was soo good. I never knew that anyone can actually feel a sensation of elation from reliving the past with that one person you have in your present and the same person you will be spending your future and the everydays of your life with.

I know that not everyday will be made to perfection. There will be good times, tough times. There will always be agreements and disagreements. There will be challenges and there will times when we need to hold on to each other tighter and we will need each other's strengths to get thru some days. But she is right, at the times when the mind forgets, the heart remembers. There's a lot that the heart knows more than the mind. The feeling of how good love is comes from the heart more than it does from the mind. She is my love and my life...everything else are mere details.

Not only has she captured my heart, we have learned to recreate our past together, spend our present together and watch our future unfold in front of our very eyes knowing that no matter what it brings, as long as we have each other, nothing else matters more. She has taught me and showed me what true love means. And with her love, only a life so good follows.

Cheers!!

~joyous =0)