To Have And To Hold... And Never Part

To Have and To Hold...And Never Part


How we define love is a combination of all our ideals, values, dreams, desires and experiences. I have always thought that love was consists of a process that follows the law of action and reaction, the theory of "ifs and thens" and the concept of an absolute formula that the universe will conspire all its elements for a favorable, ideal and the much coveted "happily ever after".


After years of continuous learning, I mark my 34th year with the conclusion that everything I thought and believed love was, was just a tiny fraction of the spectrum of what it really is about. I say this because I know that as I continue my journey in life, I know I am yet to be marvelled by what love truly is and what it can do not just to those who believes in it but also to those who have lost faith and stopped believing that true love still exists. This is not to say that it will come knocking on your door one day and roll out a red carpet with Cinderella 's carriage waiting at the end of the carpet, neither does it come with a talking monkey ready to chauffer you as you fly around the world in a magic carpet passing by the Pyramids of Egypt and the Leaning Tower of Piza or wherever you might want to stop over before reaching Agrabah. This is not what it is all about...not at all. In fact, if this is your idea of what love is, brace yourself and prepare for a big revelation which is going to change you for the rest of your life.


Love is not just about fairytales and childhood fantasies coming into life. Although in a perfect world, I think everyone deserves their own fairytale in life. The truth is... Love and being in love is full of mysteries and revelations unfolding right in front of your eyes, your heart and your entire life. Love is never easy. Anyone who has experienced true love would tell you that expecting it to be a walk on the park is pure manage and insanity. Falling in love and staying in love with someone drives you crazy...and when I say crazy, I mean losing and giving up all logic, rational and sensible understanding and judgment all because we believe it is love...and we subscribe to the idea with every wishful thinking and all the secret wishes we've made on falling stars that in time, love will eventually pull through.


My idea of love has now changed from the unrealistic fairytale-like kind of love to the real world human inter-related kind of love. The truth is when you truly love someone, the true blue honest to goodness kind of love, you will realize that love's goal is not to make everything easy for anyone. In fact, love is not practical, it never is and I doubt it will ever be. True love forces you to love not just the person. I say it forces you because when you fall madly deeply in love with someone, you no longer have a choice but to love every bit of them. You can't hand pick what you want to love and leave out the rest. You fall in love with their entire being and all the other extensions that comes along with them...and this is where the tests really come in. It's not so hard to fall in love with a person. But the challenge learning to love the person as a whole and entirerity. Just like ourselves, this person has had a world before we came along. All their experiences, the people who were a part of the person they have become. In short...their and our pasts. The past that if it weren't for them, we would've been a different person from who we are now. The past that molded us to become our own person. The past that conspired every event we had in our lives and brought us to the person we are so in love with. Yes, the past is both the protagonist and antagonist in many love stories. Why? Because it is the past that has brought us to the present. And it is what carries us to the future if we allows ourselves to move on and learn from it to make the best of the present.


I was wrong to believe that love was a process consist of procedures with instructions to follow. Love has no process. Love is freestyling your way through everything life throws at you and doing anything and everything it takes to things work.

The Measure of Love

The Measure of Love

For the longest time, I've always believed that one's true measure of love is their ability to make sacrifices and give as much effort to make the person they love happy. I believed that when you truly love someone, you strictly follow a list of "do's and dont's". That although no two love stories or relationships are exactly the same, the recipe for a successful relationship is absolute... which is: Never mess up! With this belief I felt that in relationships, there are no room for errors. One may only be given one chance and if you ever mess up that chance and you find yourself alone and lonely, then more likely than not, you brought it upon yourself. I was a perfectionist when it came to love. I did not want to make a mistake. I was afraid of doing the wrong things, choosing the wrong words to say, showing my weakness and making a mistake regardless of what it is. This is not to say that I never did.. in fact, I made so many mistakes. Fortunately, fast forward to today I can say that I've learned from them. However, with this, unknowingly, I've also set an expectation of close to perfection from the person I truly love. For me, I thought everyone who was in love had the same philosophy as I did and whenever I had to deal with disappointments, it was hard for me to understand why I was let down and why things couldnt turn out the way it was planned or how I expected things to be. Again, I expected perfection and seamless turn of events. Little did I know that with this expectation came the perfect recipe for failure in my relationship.

I had to learn this the hard way... a very hard way. The hardest I could ever go through in my life. With the expectation of perfection, I pushed love away. I pushed the one I love away. I didnt know then that whenever we set this expectation, it is almost asking our partner to walk on egg shells and expect a smooth walk from them for as long as they are with us. This is impossible any way we look at it. It opens a box of insecurities not just for one but for the both of you. One will always have a feeling of not being good enough and the other will have the feeling of not getting enough. Both these feelings will be felt and experienced by each at different times within the relationship from which frustration will build up then eventually resentment will settle in. When this happens the relationship will soon be at breakpoint and off to a downward spiral and slippery slope. Seldom will it be repairable. I've come to realize that expectations are a relationship's greatest posion or it could also be its deadliest poison.

As painful as a breakup could be, looking back one year later, I realized that maybe it was necessary. Maybe that's what took for us to grow and be better as individuals. We needed that time apart. We needed to find ourselves and realize what was good in our lives not when we no longer had it but realize it when we had it and rebuild from there. We had to remember everything that was good before it turned bad. I had to realize what I was was doing wrong just as much as what I was doing right. I had to re-assess my expectations. So many ifs and buts, whys, hows, whos, whens, wheres..... virtually all the interrogatives I can think of I drilled my head into. I kept asking myself so many questions as if the answers to those questions would change the situation I was in at time. I knew there was no fixing to me, unless I was again with the one I truly love. My biggest question was: Was I truly loved?

I never thought I will actually get an answer to this question. I had a recurring thought that when Im old and grey, I will be on ny death bed, still asking the same question and wondering about the answer decades after. I felt that the answer to that question is what would complete my existence. The Omega to my Alpha.

It took a year to hear the answer... the answer that has always been there all along. The answer that I failed to recognized because I had a completely different expectation subconsciously. I've always based one's love by how much can be sacrificed to make me happy. How much effort will be put in to keep a promise. For each time things didnt turn out the way it was planned or how I wanted it, I always compared it to how I wouldve done it given the same situation. The only problem was... I was not in the same situation. I never was. Therefore, there was no way what I would think I wouldve done, could have been done. Simply because our situation and circumstances were different. And my expectations were completely off tangeant.

It took a year of the loneliest nights, and the hardest days with painful happy memories consuming me every single day realizing that I might have already lost the love of my life to finally recognize that love is never measured by the way I always thought it should be. Love is never absolute in the sense that different people love in different ways but even with this, it doesnt mean that they love any less than we do
. What I thought was a great love was even greater when I beagn to look at things from their perpective. The love that was being given to me was so much greater than what I had expected it to be. Much bigger that what I could even imagine for myself.

Little did I know that with every promise kept entailed a great sacrifice for their part. Every moment spent with me meant living another life. Every morning with me was a race to the sun. And every night shared together meant reaching for the stars without the moon shining. That every step taken with me was a leap over the water. I failed to recognize that every moment with me was truly all there was to keep, and yet I was given that moment just for us to be together...just to make me happy.

A year later, now older and hopefully wiser... I know better, after understanding what really happened and what went wrong. The only true measure of love can never be defined other than by one giving their very best. The best that they can and with the best that they have. The only unit of measurement for love is one's BEST! And in fact, when you are given their best, there is no longer any need to measure. Because truly, love should not be measured. Loving someonehas nothing to do with perfection. Contrary to this, love means being secure knowing that one's love for you is greater than your mistakes and failures. That when your shadow leaves at your darkest moments, you have their hand to hold until you finally find the light and still, you find them with you, next to you.. It is allowing room for mistakes and learning from them to be better. Not just as an individual but a better partner as well. Love is giving yourself in complete surrender trusting that you are loved the best way they know how. Love is believing what your heart has always known. Love is that feeling only understood by your heart and soul, only shared with that special special person .Love is setting aside questions as we follow where our heart leads us. Love is me and you, just us, believing in the promise of forever.

Cheers,

joyous =)

 

The Sandbox

We could've met when we were 2
In a sandbox at our neighborhood park
Or maybe when we were 7
In a school bus every morning, before our classes start

We couldve played together at 13
During one of our soccer games
Or maybe when we were 18 at a bar
When I came up to you and ask for your number and name

We couldve walked or passed by each other at 22
While we were in the university for college
Or at 27 at a nearby hospital
We were both sick, you had your vertigo I had my bandage

But it was that one special day when we were 29
You were there too when I decided to go online
The very first time we talked and when I saw you
I knew right away, you were the one I wanted to be mine

A year later, when I turned 30
From you, I received the best surprise of my life
A birthday party, just me and you
In our own virtual world with our laptops via Skype

At 31 together we saw the seasons change
Winter, spring, summer, fall,
A meteor shower
And non stop snow and rain

Another year has passed and I'm 32
But now I'm all alone
No longer with you

I never stopped thinking
What happened to us
What was real? What was true?

How could a love like ours
End so soon
Did I not wish hard enough
When I saw the brightest star right next to the moon

How was it possible that our forevermore had to end
When the world hasnt even given yet
Our perfect time, not even a chance
For our life together to begin

Now, February 22nd will just be another calendar day
No more Nutbrown Valentines, Easter
Birthdays and Christmas
None of our special holidays

I know I still have the rest of my life to live
Without you everyday it's so hard to breathe

They say that the circle of life is infinite
If that is true, in our next lifetime
Just know that in the sandbox
As promised, everyday for you I will wait


~ joyous002  =,(

A Letter To The Girl Who Lost The Girl She Loved

A Letter To The Girl Who Lost The Girl She Loved


Hello,


First of all, I wanted to say thank you for writing your open letter and having the strength and courage to share it to those who might find interest in reading an article about, love, loss, pain and the journey that one takes from being in love to ending up writing an open letter to the one she once shared her deepest secrets to and shared most precious moments with. I know how strange it feels looking back and finding yourself in the opposite side of the spectrum from where you started when you fell in love with her.

I first read your letter when I was at work… big mistake! After the first couple sentences, I found myself struggling to find my Kleenex in my purse as I bit my lip trying to stop myself from crying and eventually breaking down. Not only because I’m pretty much in the same situation as you but mostly because I saw both myself and the one I love (but no longer with) in what you’re going through. It is a blessing that I saw both personas in a single letter, from a single writer. When we read letters, it is normally one sided and we seem to sympathize with one or the other. But your letter was different, at least to me it was.

Just like you, I am in a new journey of going through each and every day without the one I truly love. The one I’ve built my world around. The one person who was included in every single plan I’ve made for my life. With everything I’ve planned for, she was in it. With every thought I had, she was with me. I have planned for “the rest of my life” to be with her. Whether it be happy, sad, tough, easy… no matter what the day will bring me, I have always envisioned her with me. I even have back thoughts of arguments with her. Rebuttals I would have for her. Convictions I’d stick up to her. I’ve planned on marrying her exactly how she wanted me to marry her. Without her knowing, I’ve already written my vows for her. I’ve kept it in a scrap book where all the little trinkets are. From time to time, I write on it.. random thoughts, receipts, table napkins, petals.. just anything that means something to me and that would remind me of specific moments I shared with her. When I started that scrap book, I was certain I would have volumes of that scrap book that I will show and read to our kids one day. The years I’ve spent with her were priceless… Up to this day, those were the finest moments of my life. I was happiest whenever I was with her, and the saddest and most miserable whenever I couldn’t spend time with her. Don’t get me wrong though, it wasn’t always perfect. Our relationship was made up of the sweetest of days and the toughest of times… And that’s what made it so precious. Whenever we pull ourselves through the most difficult arguments are the most rewarding and fulfilling because as similar as we both were, the fact remains that we were 2 different people trying to live a life as one… and whenever people do that, conflicts are unavoidable because their differences sometimes get in the way.

Just like you, whenever we would get in a big fight, she will take off the ring I gave her and put away anything that would remind her of me. It killed me every single time and I never got used to it no matter how many times she did it. It made me feel insignificant and worthless. It felt as though everything that meant something to me turn into nothing for her. For me, our ring signified everything I held true… that she was my life, my love, my world, my everything. Everything I felt for her, all my dreams, all my wishes, all my plans, I wore around my finger. Every bit of memory of us together are one by one encapsulated in the casting of that ring as we go through and live everyday together. I needed something tangible that I can hold on to and it was that ring. Through the years, I’ve developed a habit of rubbing my thumb on the ring whenever I get nervous, sad, anxious, and even when I’m extremely happy. With it, I felt it brought me closer to her whenever I was away from her and at times, when I couldn’t talk to her because I was in a meeting, or driving or just because we were both doing something, somewhere, at a place and time where we weren’t together.

Fast forward to the time I am writing this now, just like you, our relationship has ended. It’s been more than a month since I last saw her and spoke to her. But it feels like years. Every moment is a struggle. Each second feels like it could last forever. I can’t wait to get through each day because from the moment I wake up until I close my eyes to sleep, I’m never certain if I can make it through. Seeing both the sun and the moon becomes painful because it is another day spent without her. Seeing the stars makes me miserable because I know that no matter how many stars are out there in the sky there is just one wish I’ll keep making… and that is that she comes back to me. As bright as the stars are, they are way too far and mere childhood dreams and fantasies wouldn’t bring her back to me. People have always said that time heals all wounds, I’ve always thought they were right. But now I wonder if it applies to all situations or if heartbreaks are exceptions to that because this broken heart still hurts and doesn’t get better with each day that comes. In fact, I feel like it cuts deeper in deeper with every day I spend without her. I’ve been told that its just a matter of getting used to. But how does that work?, I ask myself. How do I unlearn loving her? How do I build new dreams without her? So many “hows” and “whys” but the scary part is that I may never know the answer to these questions and I may never understand how such a perfect love can have a very painful ending. And how forever is no longer infinite and how it can end so soon.

Sleep becomes my best friend and every love song becomes a constant companion. When I get lucky and find myself exhausted coming home, I lay in bed and say a prayer for her to come in my dreams, that even just in dreams, I can feel how it’s like to be with her again. I cling on to every hope, every faith, every chance, anything that could take me back to the moments when I was with her. Before the finality dawned onto me that we are over and that there’s no more “us” … now only a “me” and “her”.

I’m the worst person to give any advice because if I wasn’t, then I wouldn’t be just like you hurting. But if its to any comfort, I would say you were right in not wanting her to change her mind. You are not alone in that. No one deserves to feel like they are just an option… as if you are just one of the choices in a multiple choice or an odd man out quiz. When you plan your life and build your world around someone, you need them to be definite about you at the very least. If it means losing her for a few weeks, months, years or however long it takes for them to figure out that you are “the one” so then be it. If it never happens then I guess either or both of you deserves better. I’ve heard people say that closure from an ended a relationship is a privilege and never a right. We can never demand it. It may end up that the memories you’ve had with her will be just that… memories; and all the lessons you’ve learned along with it.

I’ve always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I know that at the stage that we are both in, its very hard to make sense of anything because none of it makes sense. Everything is a blur and as clear as mud. Maybe that’s how it should be right now. Maybe the only path we can take in this journey is living each day until we find the answers unravel before us. Reading your letter made me realize that in situations like this, there is no “heartbreaker” and “the one who’s heart got broken”. When two people share their lives together and promise forever to each other, those two characters no longer exist. Because when the love between them fades and doesn’t work out the way they planned it to work and last, no one wins… both their hearts get broken in the end. One may handle it better than the other, but that’s never an indication of who’s hurting more. Some heartbreaks are explosive as bombs, while others suffer in deafening silence. Either way, a breaking heart is a heart broken which needs healing, mending and fixing… until the pieces are back together and capable of loving again. Whether it’s for the same person or for another, that will be another letter to the girl who lost the girl she loved.

Until then,

joyous002 =(


Note: This is a response to an open letter from an Anonymous writter on Thought Catalog published on March 14, 2013 entitled An Open Letter To The Girl I Loved and Lost

Can't Fight The Moonlight

Can't Fight The Moonlight I had a dream... And in that dream I had to be found. A dream where everything was lost including myself. Everything I had and everything that meant anything to me was gone. When we think of dreams, most often than not, the first things that come to mind are wishes, aspirations, things we've always wanted but didn't get the chance. Things that we don't lose of in eventually getting. Things we hope to be ours if not today, one day. Dreams are there sometimes for us to continue to have faith in something. To believe. To hope. But there are also dreams that come from time to time. Dreams that are not too pleasant. Dreams that scare us. Nightmares. Dreams that lead us to despair. A lot of times we anticipate to dream because this is a momentary place and state of mind where we are taken to a world of make belief or perhaps even sometimes, premonition. We hope to be taken to the future that we wish to see. To a world where there is nothing else to want because whatever the wants are, in dreams they become what we have. If only by closing our eyes and surrendering ourselves to unconsciousness we can have everything we've ever wished for. But life has been designed to be more exciting, unpredictable, complicated, and even cunning at times. When we least expect it, life happens and sometimes throws up off track and derails us from a constant path, one that we have always been sure of and one that we've grown to be so comfortable with. In this dream, from a fairytale ongoing leading to a happy ending, life decided to step in and shake things up. Everything that was routinary became the habitual exceptions. From what was comfortable suddenly became extremely awkward. Everything I was very sure about, all doubts and fears were casted one by one until uncertainty was inevitable. When all my heart knew to was to fall in love everyday all over again for as long as I can remember, I found myself longing for what I can no longer find. My love, my life, my world, my everything. In an instant I felt as if I was blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back and was made to walk towards a cliff where I can hear the water drop from the top to the bottom into the stream. I knew if I continue walking I will have the same fate as the water, but if I stop and stood still, I am stuck and was heading nowhere. I asked myself, do I want to take the big drop and hope that after the drop, the water will cradle me and carry me out to take safely to dry land? Or do I just want to stand alone stuck in the dark not knowing where to go and just hope that with no effort the blindfold will fall out on its own which would eventually allow me to see again. It was a very tough decision, not to mention risky either way. It was what I felt was late afternoon when the sun was starting to go down and the air was starting to cool down. I felt the sunlight hitting my face starting to fade away. I knew at any moment, darkness will come. Will the moon and stars be enough to light up my way? Or will it be a long wait until morning comes before I can see again? With so much hesitation I made my decision. I knew I had to walk and head towards the cliff...blindfolded, hands tied up. I knew it will be a long, hard, painful drop. But it was the only way the blindfold will come off and my hands be freed. As I headed towards what felt would be a bottomless pit, I took a deep breath, I prayed and surrendered completely. I no longer have my life in my hands. I've surrendered it to faith and to fate. I took the step that only the brave but faithful takes. My heart was conflicted with my head. Every reason, every logic, every justification couldn't make sense of it. But my heart said to believe in the power of the one thing it was sure of... Love. And so I did... As I fell, it must've been the longest seconds of my life. Tears started to fall. As much as I wanted to scream, I was powerless. I cannot find the voice I had in me. The further and faster I fell, the harder it was to breath. Seconds felt like hours. The wind from the free fall felt like needles puncturing every inch of my skin, the darkness was blinding, the rope that bound my hands felt tighter that I can no longer feel my fingers. I felt myself falling closer to the water as I started feeling little splashes refreshing as it should be, I felt the complete opposite. I dreaded it because I knew I was about to hit hard. As I was continuously falling and in mid air, I saw visions of random times in my life. Then from the random, my most treasured memories started flashing in front of me. It was as though I was being shown a tribute and a summary of all the moments I held closely in my heart. Memories that only me and my heart knew about. Memories that only existed in the world that my love and I shared. After seeing these visions, thoughts started to come to mind. However, shortly after, these thoughts were disrupted by the loudest most dreadful noise I've ever heard. I can't find the right words for it, its sounded like a gun shot, an exploding bomb, an erupting volcano, a huge avalanche, metal crunching, windows shattering, door slamming, forest burning, world crumbling and coming to an end... I heard my heart breaking. I realized I've hit the water after falling off from the cliff. It was only then that I realized it was possible for the loudest noise to have the same sound as a feather falling if it came from a breaking heart suffering in silence. As I feel every cut, every bruise every broken bone in my body, I started breathing slow and deep grasping for all the much needed air I can get. I felt like a ragged doll in a turbulent stream. The more breaths I took, I closer I felt to death. With the blindfold gone and hands untied from the pressure of the fall, I thought I'd be able to see better. But with both eyes bruised and swollen any sense of sight was hazy at best. And with hardly any strength I couldn't move any part of my body. I relied to the water to carry me to wherever it wishes me to take. I was not only weak, I had no control over myself. With every strength I can find in me, I tried opening my eyes and saw myself hitting one boulder after the other as the water current became only way to safety. In so much pain, I can no longer keep my eyes open so in complete surrender, I closed my eyes. I felt tears falling but even those were comforting as it was an assurance that I was still alive. As I start to lost consciousness, all I was waiting for was salvation. Something... anything that can save me from what was obviously an inevitable death. I don’t know how long in terms of minutes, hours, days, weeks when this death was in me. Immense pain: physical, mental, emotional... inch of me, every part of me and everything I am was in pain. Still feeling lost and disoriented I realized I was laying on a bed of rocks. I can hear the water flowing from the stream, I can hear the crickets and birds in the forest’, and I can feel the moonlight shinning on me as if it was asking me to elevate and take the path it lights with a promise that once I take the few hard and treacherous steps, I will finally find the comfort I've been looking for. Just a few steps away I saw my love, my life, my world, my everything.. holding out her hand saying softly in the most comforting voice “Wake up Joy, open your eyes… it’s just a dream… Open your eyes and you won’t cry anymore”. And as I tried to get up to reach for her hand, she came to me smiling. She held my hand and picked me up and wrapped a white warm fuzzy blanket around me. From then on, every step I took was so much easier. It didn’t matter how blurred my vision was because her eyes were enough to guide both of us to the right way. Her hands were strong enough to support me while we walked together. And the site of the stars and the moonlight from the dark night sky was enough promise that tomorrow, I will wake up with her next to me, holding my hand and assuring me that no matter how dark the road may get, there will be always be the two of us helping each other make it through. Clarity and love comes when you least expect it. In its perfect time, in the perfect situation in a unique and special way to make the best out of every imperfections that come into our live. Cheers! joyous002 =)

When We Are Old and Grey

When We Are Old and Grey

During the past few days, I got a chance to do a lot of reflecting, visualizing, imagining and soul searching. In the process, there were a lot of thoughts that came in to me. Some were thoughts that have always been there while some are new discoveries and some are thoughts of hope... hope for what I envision my life to be like.

In these thoughts, there were 3 things that were consistently present... and all these 3 things were always close together-- Me, my Nutbrown and Love.

In all these thoughts, there was never a time when she wasnt with me. There were never thoughts wherein she wasnt a part of it. She's always a part of my hopes and dreams just as much as I was a part of them. And in all those, it is love that
we felt and took us from one dream to another. My thoughts of love were those of the sense where the imperfections were the ones that made everything perfect for us. It wouldve been very unrealistic if all the thoughts I had were just of flowers, rainbows and unicorns. There were series of thoughts when we saw each other thru trials the same way that there were thoughts where empty hallways resounded with our laughter while we walked holding each other's hands tight. Some thoughts were of us taking care of each other at our weakest moments. There were also flashbacks of our virtual dates. One of which, I clearly remember. She took me on a carriage ride and showed me around Montreal. She asked me to close my eyes and as soon as I opened them, I found ourselves in a very beautiful church. I remember clearly how the very first tear on a date felt like. And how it was followed by more... It was the best date ever. Those tears were accompanied by smiles and beams on my face that I wish she had seen at that very moment. In the movie "City of Angels" there was a part where Nicholas Cage, the angel, asked Meg Ryan, who was a doctor why people cry. Her response was that sometimes, when our bodies are filled with so much emotions that it can no longer contain, that when we start to cry. At that moment, I knew that theory may be true. My heart was so full of bliss from my presence with her and at the same time my longing for her, and these emotions, I believe manifested into tears.

Just like all couples, we have our dates. Each very special in its own way. The other day we had our 3h date after a long time. I love how she always surprises me with impecable timing. I always tell her how I wish I can bottle up or frame every moment I have with her. But the more I internalize things, I realized that I think how we have it now beats all bottles and frames... My heart, mind and spirit and is consumed by thoughts of her... thoughts of me with her... thoughts of us together. I realize that when I have all these built-in within me, its way more realiable and lasts much longer than any bottles or frames. It's just like my heart and mind knows nothing else but to love her and think of her. And each thought of her, I absolutely love and adore.

If I were to illustrate the amount of thoughts I have of her in a day, the night sky with the moon and stars will not be enough. I always have infinite thoughts about the times I have with her whether these times are holidays, special occassions, or just regular days of the week. Afterall, she has a very special way of making ordinary days extra-ordinarily memorable. I look forward to a lifetime of these days with her as well as a lifetime of dates.

And when we are old and grey, while we have our Nutbrown dates, I know whether it would be hallways, churches or gardens, wherever it may be, it will still be resounding with our laughter while we walk together holding hands... with our canes on the other hand.


Cheers!!

~joyous =0)

Nutbrown: Good Love, Good Life

Nutbrown: Good Love, Good Life

I've always believed that in my life, things will not always be so ordinary. I don't know what it was and honestly, I know I cannot point a finger at what the indications were but somehow, I knew something extra ordinarily good will come to me. Whenever my family and I went to pilgrimage trips, I never prayed for a specific person to come into my life. I never really have a list of preference. I've heard from my parents and grandparents that when we pray for something, it would help to be specific. But when it came to love and the person who will be a permanent in my life, I didnt trust myself enough... I knew God knows best and that in His perfect time, my one true love will come along in the most extra-ordinarily special way. The way only God can perfectly craft and bring together.

I've always prayed for God to prepare me for my perfect match everyday not to be perfect but to mold me into what would be perfect for whom He created me for. My prayer was always for God to make me become the person that the the person he has created for me needs, want and love. And to be brought to this person at the time that would be perfect for us both.

February last year, I have received the most amazing surprise from God. He gave me my Nutbrown and I am hers. For more than a year now, a lot has changed. And these changes were primarily brought upon by my love for her. Since I met her, I looked at mornings and nights differently. Every breath I take seems to be deeper in the sense that I know Im living not just for me but for her as well. Each day comes not just becuase of the 24 hour ruling of day and night of the solar system but because each day i live is a day of the rest of my life with her. They say that marriage is a union of 2 people, when 2 people become 1 but I dont think marriage is necessary for this to happen. I think that there comes a point in a relationship where 2 people just blend in together that although they are 2 individuals, the beat of their hearts are to strong and so in-sync that the lives of 2 people mesh into 1 of togetherness.

With her, I've forgotten how to live my life alone. I have forgotten how to exist without her. She has become my world, my life and my everything. And I know it was only in God's grace that I made it this far not having her in my life prior to last year. I believe it was the 30 years of preparation and molding to get us both to the point where we met. People always say that life begnis at 40, but I know mine began when I met her at 29 turning 30. The first moments I've spent with her is still very clear. It was as if, looking back to yesterday. From time to time, we look back and tell each other about our childhood. As happy as it makes me, I never fail to get the sense of "I wish you were there with me then"... that's whats so good about life with her now.. at this age, at this point of life... We allow ourselves to relive everything that was good back then and NOW its even better because those days that we relive, we share together.

In a way, its like having a remote to our lives. It lets us go back to the moments that were special and gives us a chance to re-create this with each other. A lot of times, I feel like im having my 2nd childhood with her. I know its a bit too early for that but with this 2nd childhood, I feel as though I am back to what was good but this time i have her next to me holding my hand. I never knew how sharing these special times with the only person that matter was soo good. I never knew that anyone can actually feel a sensation of elation from reliving the past with that one person you have in your present and the same person you will be spending your future and the everydays of your life with.

I know that not everyday will be made to perfection. There will be good times, tough times. There will always be agreements and disagreements. There will be challenges and there will times when we need to hold on to each other tighter and we will need each other's strengths to get thru some days. But she is right, at the times when the mind forgets, the heart remembers. There's a lot that the heart knows more than the mind. The feeling of how good love is comes from the heart more than it does from the mind. She is my love and my life...everything else are mere details.

Not only has she captured my heart, we have learned to recreate our past together, spend our present together and watch our future unfold in front of our very eyes knowing that no matter what it brings, as long as we have each other, nothing else matters more. She has taught me and showed me what true love means. And with her love, only a life so good follows.

Cheers!!

~joyous =0)

The Other Man: Oscar

The Other Man: Oscar

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, also known as the Acadamy Awards or what is most known for as The Oscars is a yearly event where the brightest stars in Hollywood are recognized by this award giving body. For actors and actresses this is "THE AWARD" to be worn. If its anything, this spells out ACCOMPLISHMENT and SUCCESS in their chosen field - acting, film making, anything that has to do with bringing a story into the silverscreen and for that approximate hour and a half, characters, storylines, settings and periods of time come to life.

I would not consider myself as an avid fan of the Oscars. I dont wait every year for it. But I must admit that it interest me. And whenever I get the chance, I watch the Oscars. Not because of my interest in film making or the arts, but mostly because I watch out for the emotions that are brought upon by this recognition. At one point or another, intentional or unintentional, it is a good source of entertainment, whether it may be brief or from an elborate acts or attempts to entertain.

As far as I can remember, I've always watched the Oscars alone. I've watched the academy winners laugh, cry, go hysterical, deliver the wittiest acceptance speeches and unfortunately, even embarass themselves willingly or unwillingly.

As I watched in the previous years, I laughed, cried and entertained myself watching the show alone. This has just changed as last night, I watched the Oscars with my Nutbrown. As we waiting for the show to begin, we shared different views on the people who are involved in this years show. As we conversed, I noticed that my interest began shifting. more than watching the show, I wanted this moment because I was with her. What I have been used to doing alone, I am now sharing with her. And the feeling is simply amazing!

As we watched each winner go up on stage, accept their award and recognized the people who have been significant to them and who have played a part in their lives that brought them to that stage that evening, I began to wonder. Will I ever get that chance. To go up in front of everyone and declare my gratitude, undying love and devotion to her and just have a shining moment wherein all that I am, and that I have become is an embodiment of what she has been to me. I started watching the different videos of past winners of the Oscars and one thing I noticed is that no one ever missed saying THANK YOU! and even for many, the words I LOVE YOU! has escaped their lips as if they were saying it for the very first time.

It is not the words, but the emotions. These emotions being attempted to be put into audible meaniful words in hopes that they would be a close approximation of what/how they truly feel on their finest moment. I watched the video clip of Penelope Cruz's acceptance speech when she won for the 2009 Best Supporting Actress Award and Sandra Bullock winning Best Actress in 2010 . Both spoke of love and gratitude. And with these their emotions flowed out and almost taking over them. With awards like this, I dont think it has anything to do with luck. It is a craft that is being recognized.

As I reflected with these thoughts, I know in my lifetime the chances of me receiving an award like that and having the chance to deliver an acceptance speech is exponentially slimmer than my chances in winning the lottery. And with this, as
hollywood stars wait for their next award winning project that will bring them closer to the most coveted man in hollywood-- the golden man, known as Oscar, I hold close in my heart my Nutbrown. With love and gratitude, I plan to tell her and show her everyday how I am truly blessed and honored to have her and how every moment of being loved by her is my finest and shining moment. Every emotion I have from her comes from deep within that no one else can ever portray and if ever it were attempted to be captured in film, it would be a movie that would run a lifetime as my love for her has no end, and the scripts are continuously evolving as what is written in the stars, better known as fate and destiny has slowly begun to unfold when I met her.

To the other man, Oscar... who has never failed to make a star shine brighter every year, Thank you! For it is the light of your stars that points me to my True North... My Nutbrown, stellina mia!


Cheers!!

~joyous =0)

Happy Unniversary!!!

Happy Unniversary!!

It has been said by many that 3 is a charm. It just so happened that 2 is my favorite number. And I wasnt going to change that just because I want to be one of those are chosen to be charmed. My favorite number originated from my soccer jersey.

I got in the football team in high school in my 2nd year and the I was the 2nd goal keeper for the team, hence the #2 on my jersey. At the beggining this number was more of a given rather than chosen. But as the number grew on me, I started asking for it everytime I had the chance. And in cases wherein the #2 was already taken, I would take #20. As most people would know, I enjoyed soccer very much and I believe I dedicated a signifant amount of time of my life for it. Although just like any sport, I had to set it aside to be "educated" and set my priorities straight, as too much of soccer, just like any other thing can already be unhealthy and in my case, it became a hindrance to education as it consumed too much of my time, effort and dedication.

Fast forward 15 years later, I am now working.. in a field I may say I never envisioned myself to be in. Although I have always been in the Engineering Club in High School and the last 2 years of college, it was never because I was interested in Engineering. It was more because most of my friends were interested in it and the thought of having activities while hanging out with my friends is what attracted me to be in the Engineering Club the most. A lot of the discussions in the club, I could not related to. Most of the points of interests, I did not understand. Most of the projects, I had no intentions of doing on my own. Now that I am working in a company where engineerin plays a big part of what I do on a day to day basis, I have realized that maybe being in the Engineering Club in high school and college was a break-in for me. I am very fortunate to be in the company as I am because not only do like what I do, the stress level does not make it impossible for me to contain myself, and the company is mindful of their employees needs. I did not realize this until last year, 2010 when I had to go on medical leave to undergo surgery.

I found out about the tumor I had near my heart during the annual physical exam (which is mandatory in the company)and as soon as I got the referal to see a pulmunologist and surgeon, I did. Several tests were taken to make sure we know what needs to be done. During this time, my grandmother has been in and out of the hospital. We refrained from giving her too much details about my condition so she wont have to worry about me while she tries to make herself better. Between me and
her, I know I can pull thru and my condition was a lot better than hers. After a few more frequent visits at the hospital, I finally have my schedule to do the surgery. It will be after Christmas, at the beginning of the year. January 7, 2010.

My grandma passed on at 2am on Christmas day. I guess she decided the party up there was a lot better than the ones we have here. She has always been one who somewhat made sure she got what she wanted. A week after her internment, it was my turn to go to the hospital and have my big day. The surgery was considered to be a major surgery which required at the very least 1 month rest before I can go back to work. As much as I liked the idea of staying home doing nothing and rest from morning til night and when its time for bed, to sleep again, it got a little boring after a while.

During this time, in my weakest moment, I found a friend in someone. Someone who was at her weakest moment too. From small talks, conversations got deeper. And from there, a feeling of fondness has developed. And from that fondness came familiarity. As familiarity grew, she had become my friend. And from that friendship, I knew I had something good going for me. Im not sure if many have felt the feeling of "just knowing". As wierd and strange as my next statement would sound ... I didnt know what I knew... I just knew! Trust me, i find it hard to understand and explain as well, but if/when you get that feeling, thats what it is. Strange, wierd, unusual, but... GOOD! VERY GOOD!UNEXPLAINABLY GOOD!

It was that kind of good that made me feel safe, secure, loved, understood, protected, trusted, blessed. The kind of good that made me look back on everything I did in my life and gave me the assurance that whatever it was that had been said,
done, unsaid, undone, it was those that lead me to where I am now. It was those that brought be to a point in my life where it changed everything. A point in my life where it ended life as I knew it and began life living it. One soul, one heart, one human being... thats all it took! And when that ONE came along, my life is never the same.

February 22 - 2/22: 15 years ago, I did not think I was a charmed one. Little did I know, that this number will be my charm on the year 2010. It was on this day when I knew I had someone I can never do without. Someone who will remain in my life for the rest of my life. As the seconds turn to minutes, hours, days, weeks, months... we were coming to a year. A few weeks before February 22, 2011, the excitement is growing in us. What to do? What to eat? Where to be? How to go about the day? We wanted this day to be perfect. I've never celebrated an anniversary with anyone before. As I've never commited myself to anyone enough to have an anniversary with any of them. But when I found the ONE, the 2's played their part and made it a very special day for us.

We looked back to every holiday, every special moment, how it all began, where we are now, every smile, every emotion, and how quick one year has gone by so fast. As we waited with excitement and anticipation, our special day is coming. It is never easy to be in a long distance relationship and whoever argues with this better have tangeable proof to prove otherwise. If not, then I guess I can easily qualify them to the following pre-dispositions: 1) they are not telling the truth, 2) they are emotionally crippled or dismembered, 3) they are not completely in touch with the truths of their reality, 4) they are not in the relationship as they think they are, 5) only 1 out of the 2 people in the relationship is truly in it, 6) they have a distorted definition of the word "relationship" 7) they are spacially, metrically and geographically incapable of determining units of measurement 8) they are in a relationship with themselves rather than with another individual 9) they are NOT NORMAL 10) they are beyond any category I can think of.

I say that long distance relationship is not easy because it really isnt. There was never a moment when I didnt wish for her to be next to me. Never a moment when I am not consumed by every thoughts of her. Never a moment when I thought I could last a day without her. Never a moment when my heart did not yearn to rest on hers. Never a time when my hands did not want to get as close to her as they could. I miss her each moment we are apart. I wake up every morning in anticiaption of seeing her, hearing her voice and being with her. And I sleep at night in hopes that she will meet me in my dreams and at in through that, we have our sweet escape that for that period of time, it is endless. I found my lips thanking God multiple times during the day for the simple yet most important fact in my life that I have her and she has me. For every emotions that mt heart and body feels, it is becuase she is within me.. in every inch, in every vein, in every breathe. The sky is clearer, the sun shines brighter, the rain sounds more distinct, the wind blows stronger, the moon more luminous, and the stars closer and shinnier. All these, I see differently becuase of her.

As it has been said many times before, there is balance in nature. Whenever and wherever there will be something missing,it is compensated through another. As distance may be our greatest foe, I am very lucky to somewhat have time on our side. With my line of work, I am able to work during her hours, hence we hardly feel the time difference. Oppose to time and distance being a tandem of misery, distance is our primary culprit. In a lot of ways we chose to look at how this works for us. Holidays, birthdays, special occassions are celebrated longer. Unlike being in the same time zone, we get an extra 12 hours so these moments are increased by 50% more than the usual. With this said, we have more time to celebrate, more time to say I LOVE YOU, more plans to have, more 2 Good Mornings, 2 Good Nights, 2 of each official greeting.

As our special day came, I tried to capture every moment. Every word, every sound, every gesture. I wanted to freeze every thing as we went thru the day. It is our 1st year anniversary! I wanted to encapsulate everything thats happening on that day and put it in a bottle to preserve and keep it safe and protected. If there was a vault of memories, I knew I wanted that day to be there. And open the vault and escape in it each and everytime I would miss her too much. We wanted to hold on to every moment of this day. I said HAPPY ANNIVERSARY every hour of my day, and even in my sleep I believe I have pre-programmed myself to greet her in my dreams thru my prayers. As my 24 hour day came to an end, it didnt feel like that day was ending as I knew I had 12 more hours of this special day. If only I could have a list of everything I wanted to say, do.. just everything to make this day even more special than it already is, I would give anything for it. As my noon started to come, it felt like every second went by slower, or maybe I psyched myself into thinking this but I grabbed on to each second as tight as I could. On the last hour of our anniversary I say HAPPY ANNIVERSARY over and over again. With just a few more minutes left, a thought came to me and in those few minutes left, I came to a realization...

The last 365 days I've had with her are priceless... and I hold these closest to my heart. I keep it where no one else can get to it but me and her. It is guarded by nothing else but my love for her. Those 365 days have gone by but 1 thing I hold true is that I am with her... on this day, I now have her in my past, in my present and I continue to have her in our future together. I told her, I dont know how many people in this world have realized it yet... but I dont think anyone has ever celebrated their UNNIVERSARY! 12:00:01 of February 23rd, I told her "HAPPY UNNIVERSARY"! We've had our 1st Year Anniversary together and now we are beggining the first moments of our 2nd! As another year comes for us, I know it will be as special as the past 365 days. This is what UNNIVERSARY is all about... the begginning of another year from a wonderful year that we have enjoyed, treasured and have been blessed with. It is the beginning of what is yet to come. The beginning of our next anniversary. One good thing with numbers is its infinity. From seconds, to minutes, hours, days, months and years, my love for her continues on, growing even stronger as each moment passes on. As numbers are infinite, my love for her is immeasureable. From the moment I met her until my lifetimes of forever. HAPPY UNNIVERSARY, NUTBROWN!! Ti amo, stellina mia!


Cheers!!

joyous =0)

SANDS OF TIME

SANDS OF TIME

Like grains of sand I built my castle around her
A castle where the Kings and Queens lived happily after

Like grains of sand I saw our footprints as we walk together hand in hand
Footprints that reminded us where we’ve been and where we want to go

Like grains of sand she harboured a magical sand dollar
A magical sand dollar so rare that I kept each one I had since I was younger

Like grains of sand the beach will never be complete without it
The beach where the water can flow to rush and be calm

Like grains of sand a haven is created for horses to go and run free
Horses with spirits as high as every man’s hopes should be

Like grains of sand the waves have taken her away from me
Waves that hit me from behind and was gone when I looked back to see

Like grains of sand she slipped through my fingers as I held her tight
She held my dreams as we waited for them to come true

Like grains of sand the wind carries her through each breeze
The wind that brings her back to me as she comes alive, so it seems

Like grains of sand I watched time pass me by as each one drops to the bottom of the hourglass
Time that I can never get back, time that I had with her before I saw her breathe her last

Like grains of sand my love for her can never be measured
My love that I will always remember
My love who will have my heart... a day longer than forever

Cheers!!

~joyous =0)

SENSES OF HER

SENSES OF HER

I close my eyes and I start to see her from the light
Her shadow moves closer to me by the inch
Her silhouette more apparent, more defined
I’m a step away from her, reaching out for her to take my hand... until I awake

I close my eyes and I start to hear her from the silence
Her voice echoes in my head
Her words slipped through her lips
I’m a whisper away from telling her to stay and never leave...until I awake

I close my eyes and I start to smell her fragrance
Her scent lingers in the air I breathe
Her memories never leave my side
I’m a breath away from possessing her aroma... until I awake

I close my eyes and I start to feel her gentle touch
Her fingers running though my hair
Her caress so distinct, I feel it on my skin
I’m feeling her heartbeat as I hold her in my deep embrace...until I awake

I close my eyes and I start to taste her sweetest kiss
Her lips so soft like a feather blown by the wind
Her breath so warm it keeps me safe from the cold
I’m leaning in for one last kiss before she leaves... until I awake

I close my eyes and I start to wipe my tears away
My affection for her I can no longer contain
My solitude from a love that was lost to fate
She never freed my heart from her love
Not once for every day and every night I stayed awake.


Cheers!!

~joyous =0)

IN A PERFECT WORLD

IN A PERFECT WORLD
What She Should Know

She came to me like the midnight wind. No anticipation, no hesitation.
She came like she was someone from an unknown past
As if she was someone I had known all my life
And yet a certain mystery is still unraveled

She came to me like a dream. A place I cant get to while I'm wide awake
She came like she was someone I have imagined
As if she was someone I've always wanted
And yet no matter how I try, I know I can only have her in my sweet slumber

She came to me like the moon. Her light shined through my dark night
She came like she was the only one I can see
As if no one else in my world existed
And yet I was just a star in her sky she hardly recognized

She came to me like a rainbow. With a pot of gold at its end I had wished for
She came like she was someone who's gone through the rain
As if she will never see the sunlight again
And yet as I saw the colors brightly, she only saw black and white

She came to me like the sun. She was the beginning and the end of my day
She came like a promise of every tomorrow
As if she was the hope that my heart was waiting for
And yet into the horizon she slowly vanished right before my eyes

She came to me like little Cupid. With his arrow piercing through my heart
She came like she was a myth of love and beauty
As if she was all I will ever need in my life
And yet like any other story, my fairytale ended

She came to me like an angel. So heavenly. So divine
She came like she was sent from above just for me
As if she was there to lead me to my destiny
And yet fate took its turn and brought me back to reality

Will she ever come to me again?
Will she come and stay with me for a while?
As if we could have all the time in the world together
And yet in the end all I'll ever have with me are memories of her

Maybe I'll see her again
Maybe in my dreams again
Maybe one day, in a perfect world
Maybe someday, in another lifetime, with her again


Cheers!!

~joyous =0)

iWrite

iWrite

Yesterday, I got to chat with someone who has been a part of my life. In a very brief chat conversation, he asked me if I was writing a book. At first, my understanding of his question was that of his statement about him writing a book. When I asked him what the book is about, he said he meant to direct the question to me. Right away, I told him that I’m not writing a book and asked him why he thought I was. Shortly after my question, he said he had to go so unfortunately; we were not able to continue our chat.

After that, I had a lingering thought in mind. I thought to myself: “What if at some point of my life, I am able and get to write my own book?”. I have to admit I’ve dabbled into this idea quite a few times and I’m pretty sure that’s just the beginning. I know I’ll always wonder about it, if I never end up actually doing it. I know though I’m not a natural born writer. I remember struggling through my creative writing class back in grade school and barely passing. I don’t remember having the passion to write back then. Plus the class, being a creative writing class, I don’t think my creativity and imagination had been as elaborate and well developed as it is now. Back then, having to write something was considered merely a task that had to be completed for compliance’s sake. And up to now, writing for me just comes in urges. There are days when I get an unbearable urge to write about something I feel strongly about that it leaves me restless until I see something tangible that I can reference and revert my thoughts to. I guess today is just one of those days.

In some occasions, I think it’s a way for me to remind myself and help me remember some thoughts too important at that time to let it just breeze through me and let it slide off my back. Sometimes, I get a surge of thoughts. Whenever this happens, as much as possible, I try to pick out the good thoughts from it and try to put it in my “reservoir of good thoughts” to save for days when I need it the most. Unfortunately, as much as I’d want it to, my memory could fail me, which is why I think I find it necessary to have a certain type of “documentation” to make sure that the good thoughts don’t escape me. If I were to draw a picture of how it’s like, it would look very much like a single line monitor with captions moving across it from right to left. Pretty much like the monitors/signage that we have on highways, airports, and news channels, where the moving captions are my series of thoughts. There are even days when it may seem like a teleprompter instead of a single lined monitor.

I also feel as though writing for me is a transcription of my conversations with myself. When I try to talk myself through certain dilemmas, situations or even just getting a reaction and/or opinion from myself on different things. Of course, when I say conversations with myself, this also involves debating and possibly even contradicting myself, which by the way I think is perfectly fine. Whenever I catch myself having an “intrapersonal debate”, I think of it as my purging stage. I think in this stage, I come to a realization (or at least that’s what the intention is) on what is important and substantial to me on whatever the subject matter may be. I think through this, it helps me put things into perspective. And with each of these “conversations” I try to keep an open mind and keep the scrolls of thoughts coming.

Sometimes my writing is driven by intense inspiration. I don’t always know where the inspiration comes from but I think that sometimes the source of inspiration is a mix of different influences, experiences and realizations. Different things affect different people in different ways. Sometimes, what inspires us greatly are the simplest things and may be miniscule in scale for others. On the other hand, there are things that we take for granted and hardly pay attention to that would immensely be striking to others, which would then serve as a catalyst to what would inspire them. Either way, however big or small, inspiration affects us from within. And when something affects us enough, it brings out something that’s just waiting for a breakthrough. In my case, this comes out in a form of writing.

In a world where talking to one’s self is only acceptable for the clinically insane, I think writing things down is the next best thing… but that’s not to say I go along with the norm…I admit that I also have days when the urges are not limited to writing and the next best thing is just not enough and there is a need to speak…or talk…to myself!!

Cheers!!

~joyous =0)

Magic Touch

Magic Touch


With only less than 5 hours of sleep, I came in my office today still excited because the rain that has been pouring for days has finally stopped. The sun was up but it wasn’t too hot or humid. It could almost be the perfect summer weather. I came in about 15 minutes early because although I knew that there wouldn’t be much to do during the first few hours of my work shift, I wanted to allot time checking my personal emails. A typical start of the day in the office routine for me would be coming in, setting up my system – meaning start up my computer, run my programs, open my documents and log on to the websites I would need for work.

I’ve had previous experiences wherein I would go to my desk and find out that someone has attempted to turn off my monitors (since I’m using dual monitors) to conserve energy instead of leaving them on standby, which is common practice for me. I’ve been using these monitors for about 10 months now and since I’m not a very technical person, I don’t navigate the functions and features, afraid that I might mess up the configuration and I’d end up with an even bigger problem. Each time, I find my monitors turned off, I try to work on the cables that connect the monitors to the power supply and my CPU. Usually, as I toggle on the cables, I find a way to fix the problem and restore the power on my monitors.

Today was a bit different from those days. As I got to my desk, I saw that the blue power light on one of my monitors wasn’t blinking and worse, it was not lighted at all. This could only mean one thing… Again, someone from the energy conservation team of the company has audited our floor and saw that my monitors were on standby and turned them off. I knew that it was going to be a struggle toggling again with the cables. Slowly, my mood started to change, and I was officially PMSing. I can be a little territorial sometimes, and today was one of those days when I did not appreciate anyone touching any of the stuff on my desk. I didn’t have the time to say hello to the other people seated near my desk as I was already busy plugging and unplugging the cables. Not only did I have to remember which cable goes with which, I also have to remember, which plug goes where. Again, for a non-technical person, this was a challenge. One of my team mates, came up to me and offered me chocolates but I refused it right away because I couldn’t get my mind off my monitors. One of my monitors was working fine, but the problem was that it was the secondary monitor (which means its not the primary where it lets me log into my system). The main purpose of the secondary monitor is to extend the primary monitor so I can just drag and expand the coverage. That way, I can open multiple documents or programs without having to minimize them. It pretty much stretches the primary monitor.

After about half an hour of toggling and unplugging, I decided to use the other computers to file a ticket to IT Department to help me out since I cant figure it out anymore. As much as possible, I try to extract everything first before I escalate my issue to other departments. After successfully filing the ticket and requesting for an IT dispatch, I called, the hotline to make sure that this issue is addressed with urgency. I waited for the IT personnel to come but after waiting for about an hour, I tried my luck again and started working the cables and plugs hoping this time, what I’ve been doing before to fix the problem will work again… and that I will finally have the magic touch and my monitors will magically turn on again.

Good thing, after almost an hour of fixing it, I finally got both monitors to turn on. I tried to close the ticket I had to let IT know that I was already able to fix the problem and that they will no longer need to dispatch anyone to help me. While I was updating the ticket, I received an error that said that they could not close the issue since it did not have a root cause yet. So about 3 hours before my shift ends, an IT personnel came to my desk and ask what the problem was. I explained to him in a “semi-panic/semi-frustrated” tone that someone has turned off my monitors and I couldn’t turn it on earlier because the monitors did not have a power button (at least that’s what I have led myself to believe). I actually thought that the main power of the monitors were in the cables and as long as its connected to the CPU and the main plug, it will automatically turn on. The I told him that somehow, I was already able to fix it although I don’t know exactly how or what I did to fix it. He said he’ll try to look at the monitors and check the power button. Then I told him: “oh, but there’s no power button no this” then he said, there should be a power button and the adjusted the angle of the main monitor so he can have a better look. As soon as he adjusted slightly to left, the power button went off again… then I explaimed…”Seee!!! That’s what happened… it wouldn’t turn on again, I don’t know why it does that!” then he looked at me and just smiled. I looked back at him, and I was getting ready to be annoyed because I wasn’t sure what he was smiling about when I was obviously starting to get frustrated again. He stepped closed said.. “Look, I’ll show you…” I was shifting my eyes from looking at him, his hands, and the blue power light at the bottom of my monitor. He tapped the bottom of my monitor several times and each time he tapped it, the blue power light would turn on! And before I could even say anything he was smiling and slowly said…. “Touch screen yung monitor mo…there’s no power button because it has a sensor and you just tap it to turn it on and off”. At that moment, I felt like I wanted to magically disappear and vanish in front of him because of embarrassment. I cannot believe that this whole time, for nearly a year of using my monitor, I never figured out that it was a touch screen monitor and that each and everytime I got it fixed, it was because my fingers will be at the spot where it hits the sensors for the power. I cannot remember ever feeling so embarrassed over something so simple. But the good thing was that he was nice and he told me that it took them a while too before they figured out that it was a touch screen. I apologized for the hassle and said that he will be updating the ticket that I filed. So I asked him how he will update the ticket and what he was going to write on it. I even said.. will you say “Issue resolved… EU did not know that the monitors were touch screen???” then he just smiled and said, he’ll take care of it.

Lesson for today: All monitors will always have some kind of a power switch. If and when in doubt, check user’s manual!!!! It saves you the embarrassment.

Cheers!!

~joyous =0)

Just One

Just One

Just recently, I had a few very interesting conversations with my close friends. After going out to dinner, we went to another friend’s house to hang out and just spend time together. My friend talk to us about her wedding plans as she and her future husband have chosen the date. We reminisced on their relationship. How it came about, how it progressed and where they are now. I found it very fascinating how fate just brings people together and how having the right person turn you into the perfect person for them. I’ve always believed that somewhere in this world, there is someone meant just for us. And we may not be all that perfect but in time, we are molded to be the person that would be perfect for the other. I understand that there is no such thing as the perfect person, but I believe that we can be the best person for another. How this all happens, is a completely different topic, which I plan to tackle next time.

In one of the conversations we had, we talked about what we want in a relationship. We all had our ideal relationships and we backtracked on previous relationships that we had. One of my friends talked about how much importance she puts on having her parents’ and family’s blessings on the relationship. I share the same value as her because I think everything eventually falls into place once the people we care the most about supports the relationship that we are in. Should problems, conflicts, and dilemmas come into play, we are sure that when we seek our family’s help, they are sure to give the advice that would be for our best interest. Then my other friend talked about the simplicity of her relationship and how it both works for her and her boyfriend. I think they are a very lucky couple because these days, relationships get more and more complicated as more factors starts to come in. I am very happy that they both manage to keep the relationship simple and real. I think this is something that more couples should strive for. I believe that the simpler the relationship is, the easier it is to manage. This is very easy to say but probably the hardest to do because I think that keeping a relationship simple needs a lot of trust, faith, honestly, respect and hope that everything will be going to be what we want it to be. My friend said that her boyfriend told her that he just wanted to be someone’s favorite person in the world. I was so moved upon hearing this, because just by that, it completely made sense… it all came together… I think that was partly how their relationship was kept simple… and yet, it meant so much!

After that night, I started to wonder and ask myself: What do I want for and from a relationship? How would I know if the person I will fall in love with is the person I want to be in a relationship with? How would I know if I’m ready for a relationship?

I think being someone’s favorite is a good start. I mean, you’d want the person you’ll be in a relationship with to think the world of you. Then I had this thought… just recently, one of my friends told me that I was the best thing that happened to her. It was very flattering to hear this. Not only because it feeds just about every aspect of someone’s ego but at the same time, it makes me believe that I’m doing someone good and something right. To have that effect on someone is very rewarding and fulfilling. I think just to be able to have an impact on someone’s life is already good… all the more if you’re the best that can happen to someone. Then I thought to myself, if it were someone else and not my friend who told me that, was that enough to make me want to be in a relationship with that person. After putting in more thoughts into it, I realized… probably not. Being the best thing to happen in someone’s life is good, but if I’m looking for a relationship that would work for me, I don’t think it would be with a person as such. The reason being with that kind of relationship, much is expected. When you become that person to another, I feel like you will constantly have to out do yourself.. because being the best is relative. One is only the best until they become second best. I think this is true not just in relationships but life in general. We see this a lot in sporting events, on people’s careers, award giving bodies, businesses, art, in practically everything around us. So I thought, for the other person, of course it is only logical for them to want to be in a relationship with someone who’s the best for them, but for the person itself, it might be difficult because of the level of expectation that has already been set even before the relationship has started. I believe that every disappointment is inversely proportional to the expectation.

Then another thought came into mind…. I thought, would I want to be in a relationship with the person who would do just about anything and everything for me. I heard a song from a boy band who talks about how they would do anything and everything for the person they love. At the initial thought, I was thinking, being with a person like that will be really good because I think it is a guarantee that they will at least try to meet all your expectations. But thinking about it more made me realize that although the perks one will be getting from this kind of relationship will be exemplary, I’m not quite sure where the relationship will be heading a few years down the road. I think with this kind of relationship, there wont be a balance and it wouldn’t look like a give and take relationship. And looks to me that it is a set up leaning towards a parasitic relationship rather than mutualism. With that thought in mind, I realized that I definitely would not want that kind of relationship, whether or not I am on a receiving end. Simply because I believe that with everything and everyone, there is a limit. No one can continue to be the giver in a relationship if you are going for “forever”. Even Aladdin was limited to only 3 wishes from the Genie.

Finally, I realized maybe I’m not ready for a relationship yet because I don’t know what I want. This, I think is very probable. I think some people make the mistake of jumping from one relationship to another just for the sake of being in a relationship. I know quite a few people who feel incomplete if they are not in a relationship with someone. It’s as if their happiness and contentment relies on the happiness and satisfaction they can give their artner and vice versa. I’ve always been very comfortable not being in a relationship, not only out of default but because I think highly of relationships and I think that our love life at present is exactly what we need at least for the time being. I see relationships as emotional investments, when the risks are high, we never gamble unless we are ready for a lost. But when we see an opportunity, we can go all in if we are aiming for a high profit. Then with this thought, I had a “somewhat Eureka!” moment. Instantly, I figured out what I wanted for my next relationship…. Or should I say my hypothetical relationship (at least for now). I think having this in mind, I would like to be with someone whom I can beat the odds with. I want someone whom I can feel the sunshine with when it rains. I want someone who will make me feel like its Christmas on Lent. Someone who will still want to go over the rainbow with me even if we both know that there wont be a pot of gold at the end of it. Someone who keeps me warm in the winter and will be the cool wind in the summer. Someone who will hand me my sneakers and tell me it’s alright when my feet start to hurt from wearing stiletto heels. Someone who wouldn’t mind lighting a single candle in the dark instead of the chandelier. And when I give that person a thousand reasons why I think our relationship couldn’t and wouldn’t work, that person would give me just one reason why they think it would. And with that one reason, all my thousand reasons will fade away and I will realize that all I need is one to make everything work out, and with fate on our side, it will!!! Just One reason… with no doubts, no questions, no hesitations.

Cheers!!

~joyous =0)

Art versus Life

Art versus Life

The Question: Does art imitate life or is it life that imitates art?

There’s actually a lot of different ways to look and approach this question. Also, several factors come into play such as: How much appreciation on art do we have in our lives? How much role does art play in our lives? How much do we involve ourselves with art? What is our view on art? How do we view our lives? Is art important to us? Do we give importance to our life? I’m sure there’s a lot more factors or questions, where our answers may lead us to knowing which way it really is. I think it’s very interesting how questions can somehow just lead us to understanding the matter then eventually to the answer… or at the opinion or theory that we choose to accept. From a personal perspective I think it’s both. I think both correlates to each other in similar yet diverse ways. Certain instances in our lives may mirror art and some work of art would hit home because of how it reflects parts of our lives.

Back in college, I took a Sociology class, which I really enjoyed. Our professor was not only very attractive but she was really smart and witty as well, she was a former Revlon Model and Flight Attendant of American Airlines, and a self confessed trophy wife; but aside from this she has a Master’s Degree to back up her very impressive credentials. She is also very approachable and was very articulate, thus, making the class something to look forward to. Her approach was to have a brief lecture on a specific subject matter then from there have a class discussion. She encouraged everyone in the class to speak their mind and would post questions that would trigger our thoughts. One of my favorite topics that we discussed was the topic on co-relation. We had a text book where it explained how our behavior is affected by this concept. The text book thoroughly explained this through citing statistical, methodological, experimental, and case studies. But the gist of this concept (at least based on my understanding) is that with a lot of things around us, we always find a correlation to us, our lives or our surroundings. With this in mind, we automatically link either instances, events, people, maybe even practically anything then directly apply it to us in which ever aspect in may closely or remotely relate to. Some people may view it as coincidence, some may view it as fate, but either way this concept works in such a way that it makes us think that things that are happening around us, really do have something to do with us on a personal level.

Some people in our class didn’t really accept this concept without raising their points of arguments. And since we had an awesome professor, she knew it was coming… and she was prepared for it. On the second day of discussion, we had a class activity to prove the point of this concept. Our profession randomly called on people in our class and she asked for our zodiac signs and after giving her this information, she read out the person’s horoscope from the fashion magazine that she brought with her in class After reading the horoscope, she asked the students individually if the horoscope for the day/week made any sense at all or if it was somehow accurate. Majority of the students described how the horoscope was very much related to their current situation and how they felt that it was tailor fit to them. The sited instances as to why they think it applies to them. The ones who did not agree with the horoscope were the people who did not believe in it at all and rejected the idea of having horoscopes read to them. After the activity, we had a class discussion going back to the concept of correlation. As more and more people argued about this concept, our professor found the perfect timing and revealed that the horoscope that was read out for each person was actually chosen by random… and none of which was the actual horoscope based on their zodiac sign….

The idea of the activity was for us to think that by giving our zodiac sign, she will read the horoscope for that particular sign. And after reading it, the students would be prompted to think of instances in their own lives reflecting what she had read out. Of course, as I have mentioned, our professor was very smart…and once again she has just proven her point! Since the students agreed with the pseudo horoscope and had very strong arguments as to how it relates to them, it was crystal clear that the concept of correlation indeed exists. Most of us were shocked as to how it applies to us. And it was evident that some students were very eager to even retract what they had said during the activity to prove their argument… but then unfortunately, our professor out smarted them and it was evident that arguing about it will already lead to self inflicted humiliation.

Fast forward 6 years later, several situations in my life occurred which lead me to wonder and really ponder about the correlation of art and life. I was so fond of watching a TV series, The L Word, and one of the showed such high regard on the role of art in one’s life. I’m sure most of us, if not all, at one point or another have gotten ourselves in situations where we find comfort in listening to songs, watching movies or reading a book to divert our attention and entertain ourselves… only to find out that we are tortured even more because of the resemblance we see in this form of art to our own lives.

A lot of times, this happens to me with songs. There are some songs that I listen to that really hits home. Sometimes, the lyrics of the songs become too familiar that it almost gives me a string of images of certain situations of my life that it seems as if they are reflections. I get a feeling as if the song was made especially made for me and that I am hearing the exact words that I need or want to hear. I get a feeling as though the singer was meant to play the role of being the narrator of my life…. the catalyst between my life and art.

If find this fascinating and at the same time repulsive. Fascinating, in a way that it is very interesting to see your life being seen through someone else’s eyes. Repulsing, because it is almost allowing someone unfamiliar penetrate your inner most thoughts and feelings. With these songs, it feels as if you are allowing someone to tell the world exactly how we feel and expose our vulnerability knowing that it breaks down all our walls and defenses as it masquerade as art.

On the other hand, it could be the reverse. Some people can live the life hiding behind the shadows of art. It can be very easy and comforting to always have something to justify any actions or decisions we make. How many songs, movies, or stories have we heard of that we base our life based on our desired conclusion. Some forms of art become too familiar to us that it becomes our source of comfort and hiding place. Some people believe in the power of art too much that they forget the power and importance of choosing and living the life we want to live. In one way or another, everything in this world interconnected and linked to one another. We may not be able to see it and figure it out within our lifetime, but each and everyone’s individual experience is of value to another. We can never claim and assume that someone else’s life is an exact replica of someone else’s. People have tried and some will continue to live their life as if it is living the art they find most comfort with, but with this the question is… who’s life are they living… or maybe the better question is: Are they living their life? I believe that life is what we make out of it. There are forces of nature, there are remote and uncontrolled circumstances. There is fate. There is destiny. But in our lifetime, there are countless decisions and choices made. And with these, we form the mold where we make our own lives fit.

The Answer: I think its both. Art can serve as a mirror of one’s life, the same way that one can live their life such that it becomes one's individual work of art.

Cheers!!

~joyous =0)