A Letter To The Girl Who Lost The Girl She Loved

A Letter To The Girl Who Lost The Girl She Loved


Hello,


First of all, I wanted to say thank you for writing your open letter and having the strength and courage to share it to those who might find interest in reading an article about, love, loss, pain and the journey that one takes from being in love to ending up writing an open letter to the one she once shared her deepest secrets to and shared most precious moments with. I know how strange it feels looking back and finding yourself in the opposite side of the spectrum from where you started when you fell in love with her.

I first read your letter when I was at work… big mistake! After the first couple sentences, I found myself struggling to find my Kleenex in my purse as I bit my lip trying to stop myself from crying and eventually breaking down. Not only because I’m pretty much in the same situation as you but mostly because I saw both myself and the one I love (but no longer with) in what you’re going through. It is a blessing that I saw both personas in a single letter, from a single writer. When we read letters, it is normally one sided and we seem to sympathize with one or the other. But your letter was different, at least to me it was.

Just like you, I am in a new journey of going through each and every day without the one I truly love. The one I’ve built my world around. The one person who was included in every single plan I’ve made for my life. With everything I’ve planned for, she was in it. With every thought I had, she was with me. I have planned for “the rest of my life” to be with her. Whether it be happy, sad, tough, easy… no matter what the day will bring me, I have always envisioned her with me. I even have back thoughts of arguments with her. Rebuttals I would have for her. Convictions I’d stick up to her. I’ve planned on marrying her exactly how she wanted me to marry her. Without her knowing, I’ve already written my vows for her. I’ve kept it in a scrap book where all the little trinkets are. From time to time, I write on it.. random thoughts, receipts, table napkins, petals.. just anything that means something to me and that would remind me of specific moments I shared with her. When I started that scrap book, I was certain I would have volumes of that scrap book that I will show and read to our kids one day. The years I’ve spent with her were priceless… Up to this day, those were the finest moments of my life. I was happiest whenever I was with her, and the saddest and most miserable whenever I couldn’t spend time with her. Don’t get me wrong though, it wasn’t always perfect. Our relationship was made up of the sweetest of days and the toughest of times… And that’s what made it so precious. Whenever we pull ourselves through the most difficult arguments are the most rewarding and fulfilling because as similar as we both were, the fact remains that we were 2 different people trying to live a life as one… and whenever people do that, conflicts are unavoidable because their differences sometimes get in the way.

Just like you, whenever we would get in a big fight, she will take off the ring I gave her and put away anything that would remind her of me. It killed me every single time and I never got used to it no matter how many times she did it. It made me feel insignificant and worthless. It felt as though everything that meant something to me turn into nothing for her. For me, our ring signified everything I held true… that she was my life, my love, my world, my everything. Everything I felt for her, all my dreams, all my wishes, all my plans, I wore around my finger. Every bit of memory of us together are one by one encapsulated in the casting of that ring as we go through and live everyday together. I needed something tangible that I can hold on to and it was that ring. Through the years, I’ve developed a habit of rubbing my thumb on the ring whenever I get nervous, sad, anxious, and even when I’m extremely happy. With it, I felt it brought me closer to her whenever I was away from her and at times, when I couldn’t talk to her because I was in a meeting, or driving or just because we were both doing something, somewhere, at a place and time where we weren’t together.

Fast forward to the time I am writing this now, just like you, our relationship has ended. It’s been more than a month since I last saw her and spoke to her. But it feels like years. Every moment is a struggle. Each second feels like it could last forever. I can’t wait to get through each day because from the moment I wake up until I close my eyes to sleep, I’m never certain if I can make it through. Seeing both the sun and the moon becomes painful because it is another day spent without her. Seeing the stars makes me miserable because I know that no matter how many stars are out there in the sky there is just one wish I’ll keep making… and that is that she comes back to me. As bright as the stars are, they are way too far and mere childhood dreams and fantasies wouldn’t bring her back to me. People have always said that time heals all wounds, I’ve always thought they were right. But now I wonder if it applies to all situations or if heartbreaks are exceptions to that because this broken heart still hurts and doesn’t get better with each day that comes. In fact, I feel like it cuts deeper in deeper with every day I spend without her. I’ve been told that its just a matter of getting used to. But how does that work?, I ask myself. How do I unlearn loving her? How do I build new dreams without her? So many “hows” and “whys” but the scary part is that I may never know the answer to these questions and I may never understand how such a perfect love can have a very painful ending. And how forever is no longer infinite and how it can end so soon.

Sleep becomes my best friend and every love song becomes a constant companion. When I get lucky and find myself exhausted coming home, I lay in bed and say a prayer for her to come in my dreams, that even just in dreams, I can feel how it’s like to be with her again. I cling on to every hope, every faith, every chance, anything that could take me back to the moments when I was with her. Before the finality dawned onto me that we are over and that there’s no more “us” … now only a “me” and “her”.

I’m the worst person to give any advice because if I wasn’t, then I wouldn’t be just like you hurting. But if its to any comfort, I would say you were right in not wanting her to change her mind. You are not alone in that. No one deserves to feel like they are just an option… as if you are just one of the choices in a multiple choice or an odd man out quiz. When you plan your life and build your world around someone, you need them to be definite about you at the very least. If it means losing her for a few weeks, months, years or however long it takes for them to figure out that you are “the one” so then be it. If it never happens then I guess either or both of you deserves better. I’ve heard people say that closure from an ended a relationship is a privilege and never a right. We can never demand it. It may end up that the memories you’ve had with her will be just that… memories; and all the lessons you’ve learned along with it.

I’ve always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I know that at the stage that we are both in, its very hard to make sense of anything because none of it makes sense. Everything is a blur and as clear as mud. Maybe that’s how it should be right now. Maybe the only path we can take in this journey is living each day until we find the answers unravel before us. Reading your letter made me realize that in situations like this, there is no “heartbreaker” and “the one who’s heart got broken”. When two people share their lives together and promise forever to each other, those two characters no longer exist. Because when the love between them fades and doesn’t work out the way they planned it to work and last, no one wins… both their hearts get broken in the end. One may handle it better than the other, but that’s never an indication of who’s hurting more. Some heartbreaks are explosive as bombs, while others suffer in deafening silence. Either way, a breaking heart is a heart broken which needs healing, mending and fixing… until the pieces are back together and capable of loving again. Whether it’s for the same person or for another, that will be another letter to the girl who lost the girl she loved.

Until then,

joyous002 =(


Note: This is a response to an open letter from an Anonymous writter on Thought Catalog published on March 14, 2013 entitled An Open Letter To The Girl I Loved and Lost

The Other Man: Oscar

The Other Man: Oscar

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, also known as the Acadamy Awards or what is most known for as The Oscars is a yearly event where the brightest stars in Hollywood are recognized by this award giving body. For actors and actresses this is "THE AWARD" to be worn. If its anything, this spells out ACCOMPLISHMENT and SUCCESS in their chosen field - acting, film making, anything that has to do with bringing a story into the silverscreen and for that approximate hour and a half, characters, storylines, settings and periods of time come to life.

I would not consider myself as an avid fan of the Oscars. I dont wait every year for it. But I must admit that it interest me. And whenever I get the chance, I watch the Oscars. Not because of my interest in film making or the arts, but mostly because I watch out for the emotions that are brought upon by this recognition. At one point or another, intentional or unintentional, it is a good source of entertainment, whether it may be brief or from an elborate acts or attempts to entertain.

As far as I can remember, I've always watched the Oscars alone. I've watched the academy winners laugh, cry, go hysterical, deliver the wittiest acceptance speeches and unfortunately, even embarass themselves willingly or unwillingly.

As I watched in the previous years, I laughed, cried and entertained myself watching the show alone. This has just changed as last night, I watched the Oscars with my Nutbrown. As we waiting for the show to begin, we shared different views on the people who are involved in this years show. As we conversed, I noticed that my interest began shifting. more than watching the show, I wanted this moment because I was with her. What I have been used to doing alone, I am now sharing with her. And the feeling is simply amazing!

As we watched each winner go up on stage, accept their award and recognized the people who have been significant to them and who have played a part in their lives that brought them to that stage that evening, I began to wonder. Will I ever get that chance. To go up in front of everyone and declare my gratitude, undying love and devotion to her and just have a shining moment wherein all that I am, and that I have become is an embodiment of what she has been to me. I started watching the different videos of past winners of the Oscars and one thing I noticed is that no one ever missed saying THANK YOU! and even for many, the words I LOVE YOU! has escaped their lips as if they were saying it for the very first time.

It is not the words, but the emotions. These emotions being attempted to be put into audible meaniful words in hopes that they would be a close approximation of what/how they truly feel on their finest moment. I watched the video clip of Penelope Cruz's acceptance speech when she won for the 2009 Best Supporting Actress Award and Sandra Bullock winning Best Actress in 2010 . Both spoke of love and gratitude. And with these their emotions flowed out and almost taking over them. With awards like this, I dont think it has anything to do with luck. It is a craft that is being recognized.

As I reflected with these thoughts, I know in my lifetime the chances of me receiving an award like that and having the chance to deliver an acceptance speech is exponentially slimmer than my chances in winning the lottery. And with this, as
hollywood stars wait for their next award winning project that will bring them closer to the most coveted man in hollywood-- the golden man, known as Oscar, I hold close in my heart my Nutbrown. With love and gratitude, I plan to tell her and show her everyday how I am truly blessed and honored to have her and how every moment of being loved by her is my finest and shining moment. Every emotion I have from her comes from deep within that no one else can ever portray and if ever it were attempted to be captured in film, it would be a movie that would run a lifetime as my love for her has no end, and the scripts are continuously evolving as what is written in the stars, better known as fate and destiny has slowly begun to unfold when I met her.

To the other man, Oscar... who has never failed to make a star shine brighter every year, Thank you! For it is the light of your stars that points me to my True North... My Nutbrown, stellina mia!


Cheers!!

~joyous =0)

Happy Unniversary!!!

Happy Unniversary!!

It has been said by many that 3 is a charm. It just so happened that 2 is my favorite number. And I wasnt going to change that just because I want to be one of those are chosen to be charmed. My favorite number originated from my soccer jersey.

I got in the football team in high school in my 2nd year and the I was the 2nd goal keeper for the team, hence the #2 on my jersey. At the beggining this number was more of a given rather than chosen. But as the number grew on me, I started asking for it everytime I had the chance. And in cases wherein the #2 was already taken, I would take #20. As most people would know, I enjoyed soccer very much and I believe I dedicated a signifant amount of time of my life for it. Although just like any sport, I had to set it aside to be "educated" and set my priorities straight, as too much of soccer, just like any other thing can already be unhealthy and in my case, it became a hindrance to education as it consumed too much of my time, effort and dedication.

Fast forward 15 years later, I am now working.. in a field I may say I never envisioned myself to be in. Although I have always been in the Engineering Club in High School and the last 2 years of college, it was never because I was interested in Engineering. It was more because most of my friends were interested in it and the thought of having activities while hanging out with my friends is what attracted me to be in the Engineering Club the most. A lot of the discussions in the club, I could not related to. Most of the points of interests, I did not understand. Most of the projects, I had no intentions of doing on my own. Now that I am working in a company where engineerin plays a big part of what I do on a day to day basis, I have realized that maybe being in the Engineering Club in high school and college was a break-in for me. I am very fortunate to be in the company as I am because not only do like what I do, the stress level does not make it impossible for me to contain myself, and the company is mindful of their employees needs. I did not realize this until last year, 2010 when I had to go on medical leave to undergo surgery.

I found out about the tumor I had near my heart during the annual physical exam (which is mandatory in the company)and as soon as I got the referal to see a pulmunologist and surgeon, I did. Several tests were taken to make sure we know what needs to be done. During this time, my grandmother has been in and out of the hospital. We refrained from giving her too much details about my condition so she wont have to worry about me while she tries to make herself better. Between me and
her, I know I can pull thru and my condition was a lot better than hers. After a few more frequent visits at the hospital, I finally have my schedule to do the surgery. It will be after Christmas, at the beginning of the year. January 7, 2010.

My grandma passed on at 2am on Christmas day. I guess she decided the party up there was a lot better than the ones we have here. She has always been one who somewhat made sure she got what she wanted. A week after her internment, it was my turn to go to the hospital and have my big day. The surgery was considered to be a major surgery which required at the very least 1 month rest before I can go back to work. As much as I liked the idea of staying home doing nothing and rest from morning til night and when its time for bed, to sleep again, it got a little boring after a while.

During this time, in my weakest moment, I found a friend in someone. Someone who was at her weakest moment too. From small talks, conversations got deeper. And from there, a feeling of fondness has developed. And from that fondness came familiarity. As familiarity grew, she had become my friend. And from that friendship, I knew I had something good going for me. Im not sure if many have felt the feeling of "just knowing". As wierd and strange as my next statement would sound ... I didnt know what I knew... I just knew! Trust me, i find it hard to understand and explain as well, but if/when you get that feeling, thats what it is. Strange, wierd, unusual, but... GOOD! VERY GOOD!UNEXPLAINABLY GOOD!

It was that kind of good that made me feel safe, secure, loved, understood, protected, trusted, blessed. The kind of good that made me look back on everything I did in my life and gave me the assurance that whatever it was that had been said,
done, unsaid, undone, it was those that lead me to where I am now. It was those that brought be to a point in my life where it changed everything. A point in my life where it ended life as I knew it and began life living it. One soul, one heart, one human being... thats all it took! And when that ONE came along, my life is never the same.

February 22 - 2/22: 15 years ago, I did not think I was a charmed one. Little did I know, that this number will be my charm on the year 2010. It was on this day when I knew I had someone I can never do without. Someone who will remain in my life for the rest of my life. As the seconds turn to minutes, hours, days, weeks, months... we were coming to a year. A few weeks before February 22, 2011, the excitement is growing in us. What to do? What to eat? Where to be? How to go about the day? We wanted this day to be perfect. I've never celebrated an anniversary with anyone before. As I've never commited myself to anyone enough to have an anniversary with any of them. But when I found the ONE, the 2's played their part and made it a very special day for us.

We looked back to every holiday, every special moment, how it all began, where we are now, every smile, every emotion, and how quick one year has gone by so fast. As we waited with excitement and anticipation, our special day is coming. It is never easy to be in a long distance relationship and whoever argues with this better have tangeable proof to prove otherwise. If not, then I guess I can easily qualify them to the following pre-dispositions: 1) they are not telling the truth, 2) they are emotionally crippled or dismembered, 3) they are not completely in touch with the truths of their reality, 4) they are not in the relationship as they think they are, 5) only 1 out of the 2 people in the relationship is truly in it, 6) they have a distorted definition of the word "relationship" 7) they are spacially, metrically and geographically incapable of determining units of measurement 8) they are in a relationship with themselves rather than with another individual 9) they are NOT NORMAL 10) they are beyond any category I can think of.

I say that long distance relationship is not easy because it really isnt. There was never a moment when I didnt wish for her to be next to me. Never a moment when I am not consumed by every thoughts of her. Never a moment when I thought I could last a day without her. Never a moment when my heart did not yearn to rest on hers. Never a time when my hands did not want to get as close to her as they could. I miss her each moment we are apart. I wake up every morning in anticiaption of seeing her, hearing her voice and being with her. And I sleep at night in hopes that she will meet me in my dreams and at in through that, we have our sweet escape that for that period of time, it is endless. I found my lips thanking God multiple times during the day for the simple yet most important fact in my life that I have her and she has me. For every emotions that mt heart and body feels, it is becuase she is within me.. in every inch, in every vein, in every breathe. The sky is clearer, the sun shines brighter, the rain sounds more distinct, the wind blows stronger, the moon more luminous, and the stars closer and shinnier. All these, I see differently becuase of her.

As it has been said many times before, there is balance in nature. Whenever and wherever there will be something missing,it is compensated through another. As distance may be our greatest foe, I am very lucky to somewhat have time on our side. With my line of work, I am able to work during her hours, hence we hardly feel the time difference. Oppose to time and distance being a tandem of misery, distance is our primary culprit. In a lot of ways we chose to look at how this works for us. Holidays, birthdays, special occassions are celebrated longer. Unlike being in the same time zone, we get an extra 12 hours so these moments are increased by 50% more than the usual. With this said, we have more time to celebrate, more time to say I LOVE YOU, more plans to have, more 2 Good Mornings, 2 Good Nights, 2 of each official greeting.

As our special day came, I tried to capture every moment. Every word, every sound, every gesture. I wanted to freeze every thing as we went thru the day. It is our 1st year anniversary! I wanted to encapsulate everything thats happening on that day and put it in a bottle to preserve and keep it safe and protected. If there was a vault of memories, I knew I wanted that day to be there. And open the vault and escape in it each and everytime I would miss her too much. We wanted to hold on to every moment of this day. I said HAPPY ANNIVERSARY every hour of my day, and even in my sleep I believe I have pre-programmed myself to greet her in my dreams thru my prayers. As my 24 hour day came to an end, it didnt feel like that day was ending as I knew I had 12 more hours of this special day. If only I could have a list of everything I wanted to say, do.. just everything to make this day even more special than it already is, I would give anything for it. As my noon started to come, it felt like every second went by slower, or maybe I psyched myself into thinking this but I grabbed on to each second as tight as I could. On the last hour of our anniversary I say HAPPY ANNIVERSARY over and over again. With just a few more minutes left, a thought came to me and in those few minutes left, I came to a realization...

The last 365 days I've had with her are priceless... and I hold these closest to my heart. I keep it where no one else can get to it but me and her. It is guarded by nothing else but my love for her. Those 365 days have gone by but 1 thing I hold true is that I am with her... on this day, I now have her in my past, in my present and I continue to have her in our future together. I told her, I dont know how many people in this world have realized it yet... but I dont think anyone has ever celebrated their UNNIVERSARY! 12:00:01 of February 23rd, I told her "HAPPY UNNIVERSARY"! We've had our 1st Year Anniversary together and now we are beggining the first moments of our 2nd! As another year comes for us, I know it will be as special as the past 365 days. This is what UNNIVERSARY is all about... the begginning of another year from a wonderful year that we have enjoyed, treasured and have been blessed with. It is the beginning of what is yet to come. The beginning of our next anniversary. One good thing with numbers is its infinity. From seconds, to minutes, hours, days, months and years, my love for her continues on, growing even stronger as each moment passes on. As numbers are infinite, my love for her is immeasureable. From the moment I met her until my lifetimes of forever. HAPPY UNNIVERSARY, NUTBROWN!! Ti amo, stellina mia!


Cheers!!

joyous =0)